Study: Nevada City Children All Above Average

Nevada City, CA — A new 10-year study conducted by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation found that a supermajority of Nevada City children are above average. The study, sponsored by Nevada City’s for-profit Children’s Excellence Center, followed 420 children from Grass Valley and Nevada City and found that Nevada City children excelled in almost every category. In contrast, Grass Valley children trended more towards careers in either the fast food or housekeeping industries.

“Well, the data doesn’t lie,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin from his Mountain View, CA home office. “I mean, look at it: kids from Nevada City are superior to those in Grass Valley. Nevada City kids are more likely to go onto management and leadership jobs and have names like Kyle, Raegan, and various forms of the name Kayden. Grass Valley kids tend to have names like Kevin and Stacey, which aren’t normally held in high esteem in management positions. But the kids from Grass Valley will enjoy daytime television in their adulthood.”

For its part, the Grass Valley Chamber of commerce took time from its drinking calendar to criticize the study, calling it “inflammatory, biased and a fraud” and threatens to take legal action against the Children’s Excellence Center, the city council, and “every god damned parking meter on Broad Street.”

“We’re not happy about this study,” said a spokesperson for the 501(c)(3) non-profit, pro-business Make Grass Valley Great Again. “It’s defamatory and just plain mean.”

According to the Children’s Excellence Center, they were conducting a study to encourage local youth to “reach for the stars” and had no interest in libeling nearby Grass Valley.

“Our motto at the Children’s Excellence Center is ‘Do no evil. Live for the day,’ and we mean that,” said center director Katherine Lucy-Elizabeth Tatum-Stonehousefelde. “Perhaps this is a teachable moment for Grass Valley. You know, a time for introspection and reflection, which is something we encourage at our sessions. We might be open to allowing select Grass Valley kids to attend our training programs.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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