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Redding, CA — The band Nickelback has been beloved by many, but not as much as Redding, California’s Ben Levier loves them. Ben is self-proclaimed, Nickelback “superfan” going as far as to claim that the band’s music keeps him safe from a COVID-19 infection.

Ben’s typical day starts with a Nickelback alarm on his cell phone at 730 a.m. Followed by getting yelled at by his Dad to find a job so he can finally move out of his parent’s home. Ben who is 41 years old, has never had his own place. Ben gets dressed and puts on his vintage leather vest adorned with band patches like Nickelback, Daughtry, Winger, and Imagine Dragons.

“Took me years to get this vest full bro,” says Ben.

But the secret to not getting COVID-19, according to Ben, lives in his iPod. After pulling up his socks and putting on his sandals, Ben showed us his prized 2011 iPod Nano.

“That’s 1 gigabyte of the best music you will ever hear,” as he queued up “Savin Me”, as we walked out the door headed for McDonald’s.

Miraculously, we could actually see how Nickelback could in fact save him from infection. We walked behind Ben, observing his every move. As the music blared from his Bluetooth speaker, people gradually moved away from Ben. Some people would even cross the street before approaching him.

The Nickelback created social distance. For example, as Ben approached several women to talk, they would keep backing away. Even the young women at the McDonald’s drive-thru abruptly closed the service window.

Although this is hardly peer-reviewed science, we reported our finding the Shasta County Department of Health, who promised to investigate our findings.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.