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Beaver City, NE — As 5G and fiber Internet rollout across the United States, many are finally celebrating the promise that experts have called digital democracy. However, it’s clear that many don’t understand, nor seem to care about any of these critical developments.

“Finally,” Henry Hanks of Beaver City, Nebraska, “I’ll be able to get more crap at breathtaking speeds. And my teenage son will be able to watch several, if not dozens of simultaneous porn videos at the same time. And then host massive Minecraft Servers. This is a real innovation.”

According to supporters of both 5G and high-speed Fiber Internet, much of the United States runs on copper wire telecommunications infrastructure that is over 100 years old, especially in “the last mile” to residential homes. It’s the technological equivalent of using an icebox to keep your food from spoiling. Cable has filled some of the gaps, but many consider the medium dramatically inferior to fiber and wireless 5G.

And whereas most of the developed world has already upgraded its telecommunications infrastructure because most of the United States’ is managed by faceless large corporations, there is minimal incentive for them to improve this “last mile” except in very profitable urban and affluent markets.

“I don’t see what the fuss is,” said an AT&T line worker with questionable breath from the cab of his truck. “We can provide upwards of 6 megabits to most rural homes AND phone service. I have no idea why anyone would want more.”

For others, the new speeds will provide even more opportunities to ignore essential duties.

“I haven’t seen my teenager in almost a year,” said Seattle, Washington, Father of three Brent Butters. “When he turned 14–poof–he disappeared to his room, and I haven’t seen him since. I’m guessing this new fiber connection will keep him in there permanently.”

Experts claim that within ten years, all homes and residences in the United States will have access to 1Gbps (1 Gigabit per second), which will raise the average number of hours of wasted time per day from four to as much as nine.