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Palo Alto, CA — A study conducted by Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation released this week linked gun violence to “being a total asshole” instead of the mentally ill. The data demonstrated that although four out of ten homicides committed in the United States were labeled as “unknown” by the FBI, the other six were caused by arguing with total assholes who were also gun owners.

“Look, the data doesn’t lie, ” said lead Rundex Researcher Robert Colvin speaking from his Mountain View, CA home office. “Mass shooters are the ones that end up on TV and the majority of them are pretty nuts. But you don’t hear about the dickhead who shoots his neighbor for parking in his parking spot one too many times or that total prick who flips out because someone accidentally cut him off.”

Mr. Colvin continued citing actual research numbers.

“There are 32,000 gun deaths a year in this country. Sure there’s been a rise in mass shootings recently, but that increase is being shown as a spike in assholes, not crazy assholes. Do the math, people.”

The study also showed that with 84,258 nonfatal injuries, total assholes are also horrible shots, and with 505 deaths due to accidental discharge of a firearm, sometimes there’s no intent to shoot anyone, they’re just waving their guns around being complete jerks. The majority of gun homicides in the U.S. are due to gang violence, street gangs notoriously attract mostly juvenile and young males, a demographic widely known for being total assholes by default.

The Pro-Gun Community Reacts

This revelation has shaken the pro-gun community, which had been operating on the assumption that the mentally ill were the cause of gun violence. However, the data implies that despite mass shootings, only representing 1% of gun deaths, only 60% of those shooters were diagnosed before or after with a mental illness.

Suggestions that people with mental illness be banned from gun ownership and “sane” citizens who need protection be allowed to stockpile weapons are now being re-evaluated to include a vetting system for total assholes, having a significant impact locally and decreasing gun ownership considerably.

The study illustrates how people with mental illness were far more likely to be victims of violence than the perpetrators, and people with a criminal record were more likely to die as homicide victims than anyone else. These at-risk people need firearms for protection more than everyday citizens.

The NRA’s Point of View

“Well, this certainly is a game-changer,” said NRA spokesperson Bethany Millbright, making a brief statement in light of these findings. “We need to be arming criminals and the mentally ill so that, as the most vulnerable in our society, they can protect themselves from total assholes. While we take to digest this new data, we plan to preserve our rights as American citizens to own a firearm for every hand, young or old, in every household in the nation. As long as they aren’t assholes.”

Republicans are encouraging local police departments to hold community events tentatively called “Changing Hands.” According to Texas Senator Ted Cruz, these new grassroots talks will “allow local total assholes to anonymously drop off their firearms to be redistributed at behavioral health and to recently released inmates at the county jail.”

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Violet Matenapolis
Born Alma Greenwalt in Modesto, California Violet Matenapolis changed her first name after leaving home at the age of 17 to make her debut in Hollywood as a dancer. She fell into journalism by accident when her first husband, newspaper mogul Victor Matenapolis, discovered her scathing review of a play she had auditioned for scribbled on the back of a grocery list and put her to work. 5 years into their marriage, Victor was tragically killed in a freak accident while cleaning the tank of their beloved python, Stella. Her finger relentlessly on the pulse of what's hot in popular culture, Ms. Matenapolis spends the majority of her time hunched in the corner of any drinking establishment that offers "signature cocktails", feverishly hunting down stories from the darker recesses of the internet.