Hotel Chain to Create Patriotic Gitmo Vacation Resorts

Families will be able to enjoy water parks, live entertainment and genuine "enhanced interrogation" techniques such as water-boarding.
Families will be able to enjoy water parks, live entertainment and genuine “enhanced interrogation” techniques such as water-boarding.

Arlington County, VA  In what is being hailed as an example of 21st Century corporate and government cooperation, Marriott International has announced late Thursday that it will develop “Defense-friendly” resorts next to United States Detention facilities in and around the developing world.

“Our only regret is that we didn’t think of this earlier,” said Marriott Director of Marketing Bethany Millbright during a joint press conference between the lodging giant and the Department of Defense (DoD) at the Pentagon. “The DoD has been looking to monetize its properties, and Marriott has been looking to expand its presence in the global, hegemonic, neocolonialism lodging space.”

According to DoD insiders, Marriott International plans on embedding its popular Marriott Vacation Club inside DoD Detention Centers run by both the Pentagon and the CIA across the world.

“The idea is pretty simple,” noted Presidential Candidate Donald Trump. “Marriott will merge its brand, which is known for consistent, quality lodging, with our American Foreign Policy that is keeping us safe by keeping the bad guys out of sight. This will hopefully silence the morons who say there is not enough transparency in our detainment process.”

The plan calls for building family friendly resorts complete with theme water parks, eateries and overlooks where Americans can safety observe detained Muslims. For the more squeamish, Marriott plans on creating demonstration exhibits at each resort depicting the unlawful detention of anyone deemed a terrorist in a more wholesome environment.

Planned "Gitmo" Attraction at theme park.
Planned “Gitmo” Attraction at theme park.

“For those who don’t want to watch a real water-boarding,” continued Ms. Millbright who has no children of her own, “we’re planning an entire exhibit of ‘enhanced interrogation’ techniques featuring villains from select Disney films. You know, Gazeem, Stromboli, The Ceratosaurs, the Hunter Dogs in Bambi, Goofy, Jafar, etc. That should take the edge off the learning experience and still imprint children with lots of America goodness. Then they can go swimming and have a corn dog.”

According to organizers, the first defense-friendly park is due to open in 2016 near Poland’s Szymany Airport about 100 miles North of Warsaw, where former 9/11 mastermind terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was interrogated shortly after his capture. Ms. Millbright is particularly excited about the second resort planned for the remote, yet strategically important Indian Ocean US Naval Base on the atoll of Diego Garcia in late 2016.

“We have an entire MarComm [Marketing Communication] and Development Plan setup with the Nickelodeon Cartoon network to do a tie in the Diego/Dora the explore themed resort,” said a somewhat mood elevated Ms. Millbright. “It’s beautiful and remote and will be a great mashup of American neocolonialism and family fun.”

The Department of Defense did not return our calls for clarification.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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