Suicidal Towel Speaks Out

Rolled Brown Towel

Nevada County, CA — “Brown the Towel” has been living with the Thomas family since being purchased in 2012. He has been through it all, he has finally begun to crack from the abuse he has endured.

Brown spoke to The Fazzler from the towel rack, “you guys gotta get me out of here!”. Brown sounded very distraught and was crying, “They rub me all over their bodies, use me to dry awful things off the floor. I don’t know how much more I can take”.

In the position that we found Brown in, he was directly across from the toilet.

“I have to endure the smell of shit everyday, they stare at me the whole time, how does that not damage a towel’s psyche?”.

Brown pointed out that sometimes it is a good thing that he is brown in color.

Brown showed The Fazzler the tear’s that have been repaired, “This one, got back in 14′. Was tug o’war with the dog”.

We asked about the cigarette burns, but Brown quickly changed the subject.

Our interview with Brown ended abruptly when the Thomas’s teenage son Kevin came in, took Brown and walked towards his bedroom. Brown began to scream, “Oh dear God, help me! Not this again, you have to stop him!.”

As we walked down the hall, all we could hear was the muffled screams of a battered towel.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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