Local Millennial Installs Bidets in Company Restrooms

Brent Underwood has replaced all of the toilet seats at work with bidets.
Brent Underwood has replaced all the toilet seats at his work with bidets.

Nevada City, CA — Area millennial technology worker Brent Underwood took it upon himself late last week to replace all of his company’s toilet seats with automatic bidet “butt washers,” The Fazzler has learned. According to Mr. Underwood, he spent over $600.00 on these bidets toilet seats for both the men’s and women’s lavatories.

“I’m all about making a difference,” said a somewhat defiant and mood-elevated Mr. Underwood. “Look, if you had to choose, which do you think would have the worst environmental impact: a large SUV, or your butt? Well, you better choose your butt because toilet paper is an environmental disaster. Americans using an average of 7 billion rolls of toilet paper a year. Plus, you’re just smearing [expletive deleted] all over your ass. Gross.”

Mr. Underwood is indeed correct,  a typical tree provides about 1,000 rolls of toilet paper, we’re using 7 million trees just to wipe our butts every year. Switching to the French-style bidets could save upwards of 7 million trees per year; trees that would be of better use absorbing and storing Carbon Dioxide. However, not everyone at his startup VideoSplurge® shares his enthusiasm for the new toilet systems.

“So this asshole removed all the toilet paper,” said coworker Deborah Williams who is rather irritated with Mr. Underwood. “He’s always doing weird things like this. And I have to tell you, having cold water sprayed on your lady parts is not pleasant. Plus it makes a huge mess. I’ve already filed a complaint with HR.”

Despite the resistance Mr. Underwood is getting from every employee in the office, he’s not giving up without a fight.

Change is hard for everyone,” continued Mr. Underwood. “But it’s like when I tried to make the lunch room 100% vegan. People didn’t like that either. The trick is to never give up and give people the information they need to make an informed decision. They’ll come around like they always do.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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