Mattel Scraps Plans for Seeking Arrangement Barbie

Another failed Mattel attempt in the 1990s, "Genocode Barbie" failed to sell.
Another failed Mattel attempt in the 1990s: “Genocode Barbie.”

El Segundo, CA — Mattel Corporation announced this week that they  were scrapping plans for a new “Seeking Arrangement Barbie” who uses her ravishing good looks and high sexual availability to attract the financial lavishments and amorous attentions of fiscally secure older men who may lack the time, charm, physical attractiveness, or common decency to remain with their current wives. Men such as these are commonly referred to as “Sugar Daddies,” “Dirty Old Men,” or sometimes even “Don Bessee” in the modern parlance.

“The ‘Seeking Arrangement Barbie’ is a solid concept and a worthy addition to our ‘Gold Digger’ line of accessories,” claimed Mattel spokesman, Patrick Riarchy. “It’s just that the timing isn’t right.”

While Mattel presumably waits for the return of the 19th century for the timing to be right, they have also stopped production on several other new Barbie models, including the elegant-but-deformed “Footbinding Barbie” and even the oft-rumored “Crack Whore Barbie.”

“There may be a market for some of these concepts internationally, in places where attitudes towards women are less restrictive,” explained Riarchy. “We’re looking at creating a ‘Hijab Barbie’ for Sharia law states, maybe even a scratch-and-sniff Trimmigrant Barbie for Nevada County. These are under-served markets, for sure.”

One of the less popular models, "Drive-Thru Barbie" was not a hit for Mattel
One of the less popular models, “Drive-Thru Barbie” was not a hit for Mattel

Mattel’s announcement to pull “Seeking Arrangement Barbie” comes hot on the heels of the ongoing scandal surrounding their recently released, “Barbie: I Can Be a Computer Engineer” book, wherein Barbie gigglingly asserts her ability to program computers competently, so long as her buddies  “Steven and Brian” do the actual programming.

“Programming is hard!” bubbles Barbie in the book, before handing her twinkly sketches of pink unicorns off to Steven and Brian and their openly-leering, acne-scarred faces for transformation into a disturbingly violent first-person shooter video game, “Mortal Unikorn.” “But it’s easier when there are boys around!”

Reaction to the book was swift, both on the internet and in the shopping malls. Not only did toy stores temporarily pull the entire ‘Gold Digger’ line from stores, several book stores were also removing copies of the allegedly motivational autobiography of Barbie founder, Hombre Balserhaught, inspiringly titled, “Big Boobs, Shaved Pubes, and No Nipples: The Barbie Story.”

Balserhaught was unavailable for comment, most likely because he was trolling prospective “Sugar Babies” on seekingarrangement.com.

Horst Schrempf
Horst Schrempfhttps://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100007924185592
Horst Schrempf is Gish Gallop's occasional columnist and reluctant correspondent. He typically re-covers the beats already covered by previous reporters, adding more adjectives and sometimes adverbs to their copy. It actually works quite well. We think Mr. Schrempf lives in Grass Valley, CA, however we have not been able to determine his exact location. We suspect he might be hiding in Thailand. Last we heard, Mr. Schrempf was single, having lost his 2nd wife after the foundation of their self-built, Nevada City home gave way and crushed her in the crawl space.

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