Rand Paul’s Indiana Jones School Shooting Solution: 5th Graders of the Lost Ark

Washington D.C. — Longtime batshit crazy Tea Party affiliate and lawnmower victim Rand Paul said over the weekend that “it may not save lives, but it will put the ‘fun’ back into ‘funeral’ and hopefully cheer up the thousands of grieving parents across this great country.”

Senator Paul claims that while watching an Indiana Jones evening on HBOMax recently, he realized that the traps set by ancient civilizations had effectively deterred would-be invaders for centuries. He quickly got to work applying the same concepts to schools.

“The first point of entry to any school is the gate,” said the 5th presidential candidate in the 2016 Iowa Caucuses. “To that end, I am proposing a squad of scimitar-wielding Thuggee Blood Cult members protects all surrounding vehicular and pedestrian access points in every U.S. educational institution.

As a second layer of protection, all entrance and exit doors will only be accessible by directing the light from an ancient staff onto a particular symbol at specific parts of the day.”

The Infowars-friendly conspiracy theorist also suggested pits of live snakes should be situated outside every classroom door, with the rickety decaying ladders allowing student access to retract at the start of each lesson.

Other measures proposed include pressure-sensitive floor tiles that fire poisoned darts at approaching foes and spiked log traps that activate if you get too close to a locker that isn’t yours.

The most controversial aspect of the bill is that each teacher would have to do a monthly ‘corridor-based boulder run involving the use of a whip’ to prove they are physically capable of protecting our children, should the worst happen.

“Yes, some students and teachers may take a period of readjustment to acclimatize to perilous danger runs and possible death every morning, but at least they’ll be prepared for the worst,” said the prominent pro-lifer.

The homophobic neoconservative also put forward the idea that school buses should be replaced by ramshackle mine-carts operating through a complex system of tunnels inhabited by child slaves. Still, it is unclear how this would be funded.

Fulton Starkweather
Fulton Starkweather
Get fucked everyone. Stop being a tit, or I'll find out where you live and steal your washing off the line.

More from author

Related posts

Advertisment

Latest posts

Sotheby’s To Auction Off Original Prototype of MyPillow

Sotheby’s stuns with a once-in-a-lifetime auction, offering the original MyPillow prototype—purportedly stuffed with the essence of the American dream—set to redefine luxury sleep and history, one overpriced, patriotically infused bid at a time.

McDonald’s Bids Farewell to Epstein Island’s Last Golden Arches Amid Controversial Legacy

The McDonald’s on Epstein Island has shuttered its windows for good, marking the end of what the company now refers to as a "misguided adventure in international franchising." The closure comes amidst a whirlwind of controversy and a belated corporate acknowledgment that some locations, no matter how potentially profitable, are better left un-McTouched.

Bombshell Uncovered: Hunter S. Thompson’s Lost ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Audition

A recently unearthed photograph has revealed the unimaginable: Hunter S. Thompson, king of gonzo journalism, once commandeered the captain’s seat of a B-52, not in the throes of a drug-fueled fantasy, but as a contender for the iconic role in Kubrick’s 'Dr. Strangelove.' The discovery challenges everything we thought we knew about the man who lived on the edge of American sanity.