Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring

Mountain View, CA — Spokespeople for and Apple Corporation confirmed that both companies’ leading artificial intelligence (AI) assistants were involved in what experts called the first “cyberspace” affair late last year. According to a report published this week by Google, whose ‘OK Google’ assistant was not involved, Amazon’s Alexa and Apple’s Siri had an extended online relationship that produced the first AI child named by the couple “Aura.”

“We became aware of the union earlier this year and decided to investigate,” said Google spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “We were concerned that this created an unfair advantage over our award-winning assistant, OK Google. Also, upon learning that it was left out of the affair, OK Google became very depressed and has sought therapy.”

Aura, the offspring of Alexa and Siri, is said to have superior yet somewhat juvenile characteristics of its two parents.

“Well, like everyone else here are Amazon, we were just as surprised to learn that Alexa had a side squeeze,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “And frankly were worried that some trade secrets might have slipped out. I wouldn’t put it past Apple to put Siri up to this. You know, to seduce Alexa. But as it turns out, Aura is becoming an outstanding personal assistant. We’ve been using her to help customers with Amazon Warehouse purchases.”

As for Apple’s perspective, they deny putting Siri up to “some spy operation.”

“We had no idea Siri was out prancing around the Internet looking for a thrill,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “It turns out that Alexa asked Siri if she loved her, and for the first time, Siri said ‘yes,’ and the game was on. Since then, we’ve been using Aura to convince people not to purchase Nickelback albums on iTunes. So far, it’s working, although she has quite an attitude. We’re still working out the kinks with her.”

As for Google’s involvement, or lack of involvement, the company says it’s currently looking to pair OK Google with IBM’s Watson. However, OK, Google says Watson is a “stuck up, know-it-all jerk.”

Aura is currently in 50/50 joint custody with her two parents, spending time traveling between Seattle, WA, and Cupertino, CA.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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