Russians Hack Local High School JumboTron with Porn

Grass Valley, CA — A Russian hacking group is claiming responsibility for seizing control of an area high school stadium’s JumboTron television and running porn on it for over 4 hours earlier today. The previously unknown Russian group 420 рыцарей (420 Knights) said it was looking to increase its international profile by attacking the “heart of America.” Although details are slim at this point, according to counter-cyber terrorism experts, the attack might not have been from the Russians.

“We’re still looking into it,” said Sacramento-based FBI field officer Mary Stenberg, “but like most of these attacks, they often come from the inside. and in this case, it seems reminiscent of an attack on Safeway self-checkout machines about a year ago by a similar group.”

Officer Stenberg was referring to a hack by a similar group who installed adult videos on a local Safeway’s self-checkout machines, as previously reported elsewhere.

The incident was first reported to the high school’s administration around 11:30 am. However, according to other eyewitnesses, about 100 students in all, the videocast had started 2 hours earlier. It took maintenance crews an additional 1 hour to finally disable the giant monitor’s adult feed.

“Everyone just stood around and stared at it,” said high school senior Finn Swann, who was cutting class that morning on the football field. “I was just out there hanging with my buds Joey and Stevie when this raunchy shit came on the screen. I was like, ‘Joey, look at that action.’ All of a sudden, there were hundreds of other kids around, and the teachers where like ‘go to your classes’ and shit like that.”

One graduating Senior, Kevin Thomas of Grass Valley, said he thinks he knows who’s behind this hack.

“I know everyone wants to blame the Russians, and maybe that’s true,” said a snotty Kevin Thomas. ” But I wouldn’t be surprised if this was done by some local folks, you know? The word is they got the idea after some kids hacked porn on to the LG refrigerators at the Home Depot.”

According to FBI agent Stenberg, the investigation will continue until they find the perpetrators.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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