Unknown Statistics Hit 57%

Palo Alto, CA — According to a new report by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation, unknown statistics have hit an all-time high of over 57%. The 2-year study, sponsored by both the Gates Foundation and the Academy of Associated Assayers, discovered that the previously marginal unknown rate had tripled in the past two years. They think.

“Well, the data doesn’t lie,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin speaking from his Mountain View, CA home office. “We examined over 700 different studies from across different industries and political demographics, and we haven’t seen anything like it.”

The Palo Alto group stumbled upon this dire statistic, which baffled data scientists both on the Rundex team and in the broader research community.

Accidents Happen

“Well, originally we were focusing on the mating habits of wolf populations in Yellowstone National Park,” continued Mr. Colvin, “You know because they’re new there and the  Department of Agriculture wants a count for the upcoming hunter’s convention. But that’s when things got weird.”

Mr. Colvin says that the ‘out’ team in Calgary, Canada had noticed spikes in what is called ‘anomalous data vectors’ when they, as a prank, decided to reverse-correlate male wolf eating habits with the annual consumption of Big Macs by President Trump. They were expecting to see anything but nonsense data, but one intern detected a disturbing pattern.

“The more they drove the data,” said Mr. Colvin as his voice trembled, “the more this anomaly reared its head. At first, Dave [Dr. Dave Covino of Rundex Canada] dismissed Kelley’s [the intern] observation, but soon it became hard to ignore: there was a giant spike in unknown statistics. I think this should give us all pause.”

It’s unclear the impact of such a dramatic climb in unknown statistics, but it is clear, at least from Rundex’s point of view, that we all need to be concerned.

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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