Several Dead After a Good Guy With a Gun Sleeps In

Allen, TX — Area self-proclaimed ‘good guy with a gun’ Wilburn Marvin accidentally overslept and could not defend victims during an active shooter incident at a local school. However, Mr. Marvin, a gun collector and an outspoken critic of what he calls “left-leaning Democrats,” says he feels no regrets about missing his opportunity to be a hero.

“Well, I guess I should have gone to bed earlier last night,” said Mr. Marvin speaking via telephone earlier today. “But this fascinating military history marathon was on the History Channel last night. Oh, well.”

“The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” is a refrain often heard from gun rights activists and gun advocacy groups such as the National Rifle Association or the NRA. But unfortunately, numerous studies demonstrate how this notion is not only a form of confirmation bias for gun supporters. Amateur and even trained “good guys” are more likely to injure innocent people than neutralize an active shooter situation.

Texas Has Liberal Gun Laws

Witnesses of the active shooter incident, some of whom were injured, expressed dismay at Mr. Marvin’s absence.

“When we heard the shooting, we figured Wilburn would take care of it. Just like he claims on Facebook all the time,” said Delphina Williams, who had just escaped the school. “So we just hid in the closets, and I told my colleague, ‘Don’t worry, Wilburn will be here any minute.’ We decided to get out of here when he didn’t arrive.”

Upon hearing of the shooting and Mr. Marvin’s absence, a fictional NRA spokesperson doubled their assertion that we need more armed citizens.

“Look, the good guys can’t be everywhere simultaneously. But, see, this is why we need more arms in the hands of law-abiding citizens. Think of how much good a Walmart greeter could have done if properly armed?” said the spokesperson.

For its part, Texas said despite the shooting, it will continue to offer firearms and ammunition for the foreseeable future. In response to the incident, local gun rights advocates have launched a campaign to encourage more “good guys with guns” to be prepared and vigilant, claiming that the more armed citizens there are, the less likely such tragedies will occur.

Meanwhile, the community continues to grapple with the reality of gun violence and the notion that a “good guy with a gun” may not always be the solution. As the debate rages on, one thing remains clear: the satirical take on the issue underscores the complexity and nuance of the gun control conversation in America.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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