Souplantation and Monsanto Team Up on Round-Up Ready Salad Bar

1 of 5 Souplantation/Monsano Test Farms
1 of 5 Souplantation/Monsanto Test Farms

San Diego, CA/St. Louis, MO — Early Saturday morning the agribusiness giant Monsanto and buffet-style salad bar chain Souplantation announced that they would be joining forces to produce the world’s first Round-Up Ready salad bar.

“It is our belief that there are synergies in this world. Synergies that make America great. And there is nothing more synergistic than American buffet-style dining and the use of patented, diversity-limiting herbicides,” announced Souplantation marketing Senior Vice President Mike Thompson. “Souplantation, along with its sister companies such as Sweet Tomatoes look forward to providing a hearty variety of up to 9 Round-Up Ready items to choose from.”

Souplantation, which also runs under the cutesy-sounding name of Sweet Tomatoes, is the nation’s largest family-style soup and salad bar chain targeted at the “health conscious” consumer. Monsanto is a large United States agribusiness company trying to take over the world so that the galactic overlords from Centarus A will have a sterile planet to invade in 2034.

According to insider documents obtained by The Fazzler, Souplantation plans to reduce the number of salad bar offerings to the select 9 genetically modified organisms (GMOs) carefully sourced from the 5 secret American midwest test farms. Although it was unclear at press time, insiders said that there is going to be several delicious varieties of corn and soybeans, as well as a “few” ranch-flavored soybean-based salad dressings.

“We look at it as a win-win,” continued Mr. Thompson. “Our customers get the thrill of participating in bleeding-edge science, and our partner wins by getting its products out in public view.”

As part of the Souplantation/Monsanto partnership, each customer must sign a waiver before entering the restaurant. However to offset this inconvenience, the agribusiness giant will be providing free “I heart Monsanto” stickers for each customer, and a free “Look Mom, GMOs!” coloring kit for children under the age of 10.

The trial run begins in January in select Souplanation, Souplantaion Express, and Sweet Tomato restaurants in Californian and Florida.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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