Yuba River Male Gender, Not Female Study Finds

Nevada County, CA — According to researchers at the influential Rundex Family Foundation in Palo Alto, CA, the three forks of the Yuba River should be referred to using male adjectives. Following a $1.4 million two-year study funded by the non-profit 501 (c) 3 “Dam California,” the Rundex Family Foundation found that due to several factors, the Yuba River is male, not female and can be referred to as the “Papa Yuba” instead of the often-used “Mama Yuba.”

“We understand that this might throw people off,” said Rundex Family Foundation lead researcher Robert Colvin in a The Fazzler telephone interview. “But the data doesn’t fib. We looked at several factors including, ruggedness, amount of granite, the depth of the swimming holes,  the number of annual drownings due to alcohol and the ability to create new reservoirs with modern dams, and 87% of our research pointed to a ‘maleness’ of the River.”

The study has made several suggestions regarding what Rundex calls “conclusive information.”

  • The South and the North Forks should be referred to using male anthropomorphizing adjectives. Examples include Papa Yuba, Daddy Yuba, Father Yuba, and Sugar Daddy Yuba.
  • The Middle Fork of the Yuba data was decidedly mixed, and it should just be referred to more generically as “it.”
  • Damming should begin to quench California’s desire for tree crops and municipally bottled water.
  • Housing developments should be encouraged up to the River’s edge, except where impeded by dam operations.
  • The BLM and the State should charge per hour for access to the River.
  • Two words: more beer should be allowed at the River.
  • More studies are needed, especially regarding the Middle fork and its “androgynous” state.

Local reaction was mixed but generally regarded the study and its findings as biased and “pro-development.”

“This is an end-around by conservatives who think that damming our rivers is the solution to California’s water issues,” said local Green Party spokesman Derrick Packard. “They paid for the study, and their money has influenced the data. End of story.”

At the time of the writing, it is unclear whether this study will have any impact on development plans for the Yuba River and its associated watersheds.

“We just want what’s best for California,” said local Dam California representative Brock Whalen. “And what California needs is more stored water or the capacity to store water once we have it. Which, admittedly, is not much and may never be. But you get the point.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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