Staged Mass Shootings on the Rise

Jason Dant of Penn Valley, CA is worry about Liberals taking his weapons.
Jason Dant of Penn Valley, CA is worry about “the Liberals” taking his weapons.

Penn Valley, CA — Local doomsday “prepper”and gun store assistant manager Jason Dant issued a warning to all citizens of the United States early this week.

“If we do nothing to address the gun problem in this country, the number of staged mass shootings will continue to rise,” Dant announced during his lunch break using the CB radio in his van.

“I’m saddened to have to come before you and say this once again,” Dant continued, “this has become so routine. When will ‘we the people’ take action?”

“Tonight, hug your massive arsenal of firearms a little closer,” he added, “think of the families that aren’t as fortunate. Families that have been coerced into lying about these shootings as part of an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the powerful anti-freedom forces that have taken over this country.”

“We have lived in fear for too long,” Dant continued after his shift at the gun store later that day, “fear that our guns will be taken from us by force. Which definitely will happen.”

“But imagine if the government showed up to your child’s school to stage a mass shooting,” Dant asked any potential listeners within his two mile broadcast range, “then your child, and every other child and teacher, pulled out a loaded gun and pointed it right back at the government agents.”

“We need more guns,” an emotional Dant concluded as he pulled into his driveway, “to finally defend against these staged national tragedies.”

Following Dant’s call to action the stock price of gun maker Smith & Wesson rose 3%.

Seth Johnston
Seth Johnston
Seth Johnston is a stand-up comedian living off-grid in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and, when supplies are low, Portland, Oregon. He observes Nevada County closely by utilizing a variety of remote viewing techniques and files his reports using long distance CB radio. In his spare time he enjoys frantically writing in separate notebooks simultaneously with both hands and also likes to take canoe trips with his dog Chloe. His lifelong dream is to create a new type of math.

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