State of Jefferson Movement Accidentally Brought Back from the Dead

Apparently all new citizens of the State of Jefferson will be required to build barns like this.
Apparently, all new citizens of the State of Jefferson will be required to build barns like this.

Northern California — After over 50 years of unchallenged, strident, yet well-meaning nuttery, the fledgling secessionist State of Jefferson movement was shocked back to life by a new adversary called “Keep it California.” In a remarkable fit of rewarding bad behavior that would make even the most over-compensating parents blush, the “Keep it California” movement has successfully resurrected the near-death State of Jefferson experiment by simply giving it unnecessary, and frankly unwarranted attention.

“Yeah, we were just about dead on the vine,” said one State of Jefferson supporter in Modoc County. “We had a few successes in a few non-contiguous counties, but ever since the ‘Keep it California’ thing started, the movement got a well-needed shot in the arm. We actually have a chance now.”

Most experts agree that the best way to stop unwanted behavior is to ignore it. This way works best over a period of time. In the case of the State of Jefferson movement, it’s had plenty of time in the naughty chair to think about its actions.

“After the fire season we’ve had and we’re going to have,” commented Beth Lacondon of Shasta County, “we’re gonna need the resources of CalFire. We haven’t even started and I reckon we’re already broke. Anyhow, what we really need to have proper representation. One county, one vote. I think that would go a long way for us rural folk.”

According to the Keep it California website, the organization seeks to “advocate for better representation of rural California and to oppose breaking away to form a new state.” There is no mention on the site about accidentally antagonizing the State of Jefferson movement into a new life, however, their rhetoric is less than hospitable with statements claiming they are “[a] small group of extremists has a really bad idea: they want to secede from California to form a “State of Jefferson.”

“I’m not sure that’s the right language to win people over,” continued Ms. Lacondon. “I mean, is that how you talk to your neighbors by calling them extremists? Sounds like their gearing up for war and not reconciliation. This is why we vote Republican up here. Only a Democrat would talk to us like this in such a snotty and condescending way.”

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

More from author


Related posts


Latest posts

McDonald’s Bids Farewell to Epstein Island’s Last Golden Arches Amid Controversial Legacy

The McDonald’s on Epstein Island has shuttered its windows for good, marking the end of what the company now refers to as a "misguided adventure in international franchising." The closure comes amidst a whirlwind of controversy and a belated corporate acknowledgment that some locations, no matter how potentially profitable, are better left un-McTouched.

Bombshell Uncovered: Hunter S. Thompson’s Lost ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Audition

A recently unearthed photograph has revealed the unimaginable: Hunter S. Thompson, king of gonzo journalism, once commandeered the captain’s seat of a B-52, not in the throes of a drug-fueled fantasy, but as a contender for the iconic role in Kubrick’s 'Dr. Strangelove.' The discovery challenges everything we thought we knew about the man who lived on the edge of American sanity.