State of Jefferson Translating U.S. Constitution into ‘Authentic Frontier Gibberish’

Yreka, CA — The state of Jefferson today announced that it was publishing its own translation of the U.S. Constitution into ‘authentic frontier gibberish’ as an attempt to attract more people into its crackpot political movement. The cover of this translated edition will carry the state of Jefferson’s distinctive yet deplorably bad logo.

‘Authentic frontier gibberish’ is heard in countless western films and is an officially recognized regional dialect by the Linguistic Society of Bozeman.

Diogenes Scadden, political analyst and pundit, had this to say about the announcement: “It’s another win for the state of Jefferson. On the heels of their creative fund-raising through their brand of strip clubs, they have now targeted their main demographic with laser-like precision!”

“Sheer genius!” he declared.

Here is an excerpt of the draft document leaked to The Beacon from an unnamed source deep within the state of Jefferson movement:


Ain’t no law ‘bout religion (but “God Bless America”) and no horn-swogglin’ guv’minter kin tell you which church you gotta go to; you kin say what you want, even the side-windin’ jibber-jabberin’ press kin! You kin stand around together all peaceful-like long as you don’t cause know trubble. Guv’mint gotta listen to you bitchin’ and moanin’ ‘bout them know matter what!  But givvum a list!


A bunch of us’n a bunch of other un’s gonna gang up in a militia an’ make sure that they ain’t know ways them guv’mint varmints gonna take are gunz. No sirree!


Ain’t know bush-wackin’ soldier boys gonna have t’live in my home lest the consarnit guv’mint says I gotta when theres war n’ such.

The state of Jefferson’s press release stated that “people in are area want to understand are beloved Constitution. So our answer is to have fewer legal mumbo-jumbo and put it in there terms.  It’s a win-win for are side.”

“It will not stand up in court,” said Kallie Horde, a constitutional scholar at the McGeorge School of Law in Sacramento. “The next time the state of Jefferson files one of its bullshit lawsuits against the U.S. Government or the State of California, they cannot cite this translation. Can you imagine their legal counsel standing up and reading from this thing?”

“Now don’t quote me on this, but actually, I’d love to be in court when they do. It will sound like that scene from the church in ‘Blazing Saddles’…  Bwhahaha!”

The state of Jefferson will hand out free copies of its unique version of the Constitution from its booth at various county fairs up and down the state next summer.

Xander X. Xanthangum
Xander X. Xanthangum
Xander X. Xanthangum is a blogger/news writer whose credits include submitting questionable and unsourced articles to the Gish Gallop and Broad Street Beacon. He is a metamodernist writer in the post-post-post-post modernist sense, whose goal as an artist and journalist is to subvert, hijack, and appropriate modernity and post-modernity. If you even know what the fuck this means, good for you.

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