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Hi, I’m Cleveland Sam. Superhero, The Fazzler Staff Writer, and all-around nice guy. There is a lot of controversy in our government about the next Supreme Court justice and who should be allowed to choose them. I have a simple solution. Choose me. Here’s why.

From a young age, I learned that helping people in the name of justice is a great honor. I would rescue the other kids from the ice cream truck in our neighborhood. I would take their ice cream to save them from the dangers of sugar. It was a challenging but noble job.

I have no particular interest groups to cater to. I cannot be bought by corporate powers to sway my decisions. All I can tell you is that when my head hurts due to the stresses of being a hero, I take number 1 rated Advil liquid gels. They work extra fast to get me back on my feet.

I do not have a Harvard Law Degree. I did not go to some snooty school to be stuck up and unbearable. I didn’t bother to finish college. I’m an ordinary working hero, just like you. I will bring an uneducated, common sense to the courtroom.

I can help save money. As an invincible superhero, I do not require a security detail. I can fly, so I will not need a government car or a driver. That saves, like, a billion dollars right there alone. Who doesn’t like saving money?

Justice Kavanaugh has an opening for a new best friend. Who better than a writer of funny stories? I can see it now, lunch dates to make fun of Sotomayor and Thomas. I will write decisions on the wrong case, send it to the wrong attorney, and send glitter bombs to Congress. I can cheer him up like no other without beer.

Finally, I would make a great Supreme Court Justice as I fight for the people every day. I save cats from trees. I save kids from candy (stores), I help lonely housewives feel alive again. I know I can do the same for America.

Call the White House and nominate Cleveland Sam for the Supreme Court Justice.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.