San Francisco, CA — Things are tough. I spend most of my time traveling as the CEO of SpaceX and Tesla, and now Twitter, where I lead the charge to transform the aerospace and automotive sectors and, ultimately, words on the Internet. However, with this level of fame comes the inevitable burden of constant surveillance by armed guards.
While you may think that safety is a desirable thing to have, I can tell you from experience that it can be a major burden. These dudes follow me around like creepy vultures, always monitoring what I do. They’re worse than Kanye. I feel like I can’t even use the restroom in peace since they always seem to be hovering just outside the door.
Never mind the never-ending stream of inquiries and requests. And no, I’m not going to answer your DMs.
“Sir, please do not trespass outside the marked security area.” “Sir, your suitcase must be inspected before you are permitted entry into the building,” I beg you, sir, refrain from handling that. They treat me like I’m a terrorist or something.
The worst part, though, is when they follow me about town. It’s impossible for me to take a stroll in the park without a group of big men in suits following close behind. That’s really bad form. Do they really think I’m in danger? Why do they assume I need help when I’m alone?
I don’t need to be coddled like a delicate flower. Damn it, I’m an adult and can take care of myself. No, I don’t require a posse of hulking bodyguards to shadow me at all times.
I ask that my security detail, please give me some personal space. I’ve had enough of this. Just let me be left alone, and let me live my life in peace, please. Is it too much to expect that?
