5G Tower Kills Local Man

Grass Valley, CA– These days, we rely on our cellphones for everything from shopping to dating. They give us directions and help us stay in touch, but what happens when the technology becomes a weapon? Cellular towers may seem harmless, but they are hiding a secret that turned deadly Friday night.

Local resident Joe Aguinaldo was driving home from the Nevada Club, where he was nearly arrested for fighting dressed as a clown, which was not his first altercation. As he approached SBA’s cell tower in his 94 Chevrolet Astro van, a bright light arched out of the tower and struck Mr. Aguinaldo in the mouth, killing him instantly.

Witness Anna Sibaldo spoke with the Beacon about the incident.

“Was the scariest damn thing I’ve ever seen, out of nowhere, BAM!” screeched Ms. Sibaldo. “I almost spilled my beer all over the steering wheel! That guy was burnt up like charcoal. The tower was making some weird beeping noises, so I got the hell out of there.”

Police are not sure whether to investigate this as a homicide or an accident. They only have one witness statement to work on, and a dropped business card to a local Mexican restaurant.

Sheriff’s deputy Tom Foy, who spoke to the Beacon on a condition of anonymity about the investigation.

“Well, we don’t have much to go on. It does appear the tower has been tampered with,” said Foy. “Other than the witness statement, all we have is the dropped business card. We will follow-up on that later. For now, we gotta take care of ‘crispy’ here.”

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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