America’s New War: Butt Hurt

The United States has become a nation of butt-hurt.
The United States has become a nation of butt-hurt and requires frequent hugs and reassurance.

Washington D.C. —  As war rages in far away countries like Syria and Iraq, and women and children lay slain by the hand of Putin and ISIS, a new battle is being fought right here on the rough and tumble streets of America. There are battles being fought on computers and college campuses everywhere: the war of hurtful words. Words so harsh that even the toughest Millennial drops to their knees in tears. Words so evil, soccer Moms have to carry Preparation H everywhere they go.

As I type this, a Mother and her children are running for their lives, while students huddle together in “Safe Speech” Zones. As bombs fall over Mosul, our citizens flee hate speech, protesting for both more and less “Political Correctness.” American skin gets thinner and thinner each day as words eats away at the sensibilities of American citizens.

Butthurt Protest Free Speech
Butthurt Protest Free Speech

As protesters block traffic here at home, a car bomb goes off in Baghdad. When a political candidate’s speech becomes so powerful that it overwhelms people’s common sense of tolerance, we’ve got a problem. I understand that you don’t like what other people are saying, and that concerns me too. But blocking access to a speech? That makes you the same kind of asshole.

Good job America; you’re becoming what you behold.

The war of words at home has already taken many victims. The hospitals are filled to capacity with “the butt-hurt.”  And like always, free speech has had to bear the brunt of the assault. Casualties of the sensitive and thin-skinned citizens and Presidential candidates continue to pile up. How many must be “word hurt” before we come to our senses and stop the senseless slaughter on our feelings?

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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