Area Man Not Sure What He’s Angry About

Penn Valley, CA — An area man found himself very angry, but he couldn’t figure out exactly what was irritating him.

“Yeah, when I get depressed I get mad at myself. That’s when I look outside myself to find the original source of my anger, which obviously isn’t mine,” said five feet, six inch tall Dustin Jayce Dickens of Penn Valley. “Sometimes I climb into my Dodge and hit the gas. Sometimes I tailgate Priuses just for the fun of it. Lately, I’ve commented on Facebook posts. But I still have no idea what I’m angry about.”

Dustin isn’t alone. Across America millions of people are angry and they don’t know why. Some experts blame social media, others put the blame on stagnant wages and rising heath care costs. However, according to Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Badwater Institute of Public Policy, the answer is right in front of us.

“Americans have always been angry,” said Mr. Badwater speaking via Skype from his office. “We’re a mean bunch and always have been. Sure there are times, like now, in which we’re angrier, but generally speaking, we’ve been pissed off since we landed here and gave the Native Americans pox-filled blankets  just for fun.”

But that hasn’t stopped the local angry protagonist from getting to the bottom of his anger.

“I look around and it’s all pretty maddening, you know? If you ain’t lucky it’s all crazy and dangerous,” mused Mr. Dickens as he lightly kicked his calico cat. “I mean, it’s rough out there. And things ain’t good for people like me, you know. Today I went on a local Facebook group and started yelling at people for no reason. I said, ‘What the actual fuck is this garbage?’ and I didn’t even read the article. I just say shit like that. I guess it’s why I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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