Black Friday Questioned by Police

Atlanta, GA — Although Black Friday lays low most of the year, like sheep, the nation turns their attention to it every year, like clockwork. And this year, while minding its own business, several police jurisdictions are under fire for detaining and questioning Black Friday on several occasions this week.

Some police departments have expressed concerns over the recent trend of municipalities to treat Black Friday as deserving of a holiday.

“There ain’t no white privilege when they got BLM, Black awareness month, BET, Black Friday, and, I mean, can you imagine if we made a White Friday? They’d cancel white people,” said Stone Mountain Police Chief Cody Wyatt speaking with the press earlier this week. “More of our officers get Black Friday off to shop for their future widows than they usually get for St. Patrick’s Day. So that leaves us way understaffed at the Walmart and Gamestop.”

When questioned by the press regarding whether the police were directly targeting Black Friday, Chief Wyatt became incredulous and responded with the answer he wanted to give.

“Our research shows that more officers take the day after St. Patrick’s Day. And some officers claim Black Friday has been the problem all along. And we’re dealing with those as internal staffing issues. But, look, Fridays are never good. So you pair that up with other things, like Riot Friday, Disease Friday, Black Friday, it’s going to get bad at some point, and we may need our manpower there.”

Not everyone is OK with these random stops. In particular, the African-American community is justifiably outraged by the treatment.

“Shit, man. What are you talking about?” Questioned Atlanta resident Kiara Raven who was out protesting in front of the downtown police precinct. “We ain’t naming our sports teams the Cleveland Clansmen, the Washington Whitewashers, The Atlanta Assholes, and shit like that. What do you want? Red Friday? You dumb as a crooked cricket.”

Lawyers for Black Friday refused to comment until Benjamin Crumb appears next week on Joy Reid.

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

More from author

Related posts


Latest posts

Louisiana Teacher Under Fire for Posting 10 Commandments in Pig Latin

History teacher Bernie Carver stirred controversy by displaying the Ten Commandments in Pig Latin, provoking ire from conservative parents. Earl "Big Earl" LeJeune fumed, "This is part of a larger conspiracy. Next, they'll be speaking French! And you know what they say about French – it's the language of the devil!"

Metallica’s James Hetfield Celebrates a PhD in Astrophysics

Metallica heavy metal guitarist and lead singer James Hetfield announced on his personal Facebook page that he had just finished defending his PhD dissertation at California Institute of Technology in Pasadena (CalTech), CA