BLM Sends Rip Taylor to Decorate Occupied Oregon Building

Rip Taylor will fabulously put an end to the Oregon standoff.
Rip Taylor will put a fabulous end to the Oregon standoff.

Burns, OR — After negotiations broke down late this week, the Bureau of Land Management or BLM announced in a prepared press release that they had no other choice but to order American actor and comedian Rip Taylor to decorate the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. The building, which is currently being occupied by a group calling itself Citizens for Constitutional Freedom, will be decorated in a fashion familiar to Rip Taylor fans all over the world.

“The Federal Government has learned a great deal from past protests like this,” said BLM Director Neil Kornze in an email press release. “The use of force leads to unnecessary bloodshed. So today, I am ordering Rip Taylor to Oregon to help end this siege before anyone gets hurt. And after this nonsense is over, the Malheur [National Wildlife Refuge] building will have a complete makeover.”

Details are slim at the moment, but according to a memo The Fazzler has obtained, the plan calls for Rip Taylor to be flown into Burns, Oregon early next week. From there, after he’s had time to prepare, he will be immediately driven to the Refuge Center where he will burst out onto the compound tossing his signature confetti and dropping his one-liners which have been tailored towards the conservative audience.

  • “I’ve got a psychotic spotted owl. That goes, ‘Why? Why?'”
  • “Where else but in America can you watch a Bicentennial Minute sponsored by a Dutch oil company on my Japanese TV set?”
  • “If at first you do succeed–it’s probably your father’s business.”

The idea, according to insiders, is to annoy and frustrate the members of the standoff and give Mr. Taylor an opportunity to “spruce up the admittedly drab and rustic remote center.” The plan, which is a last resort, is deemed to the best chance at ending the siege without any violence.

“How could it not work,” questioned BLM spokeswoman Bethany Millbright from the BLM command center in Burns. “These guys are expecting black helicopters and gun fire. They’re expecting Ruby Ridge and Waco. Well, we’re not going to do that. We’re going to give them that thing which will drive them out faster than an angry skunk. Rip’s act is the perfect cure to this situation. And as Director Kornze has said, the people will get a remodel as well. Who knows? Maybe Mr. Taylor’s act will lighten them up a bit?”

The Fazzler reached out to Rip Taylor’s publicist for comment, but was told the entertainer would neither confirm nor deny his involvement.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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