Bro on Bro Violence Plagues Hipster Community

Tim Schorer (left) is a hipster who's had his man bun scalped in the escalating Bro violence.
Tim Schorer (left) is a hipster who’s had his man bun scalped in the escalating Bro violence.

Portland, OR — Violence is not new to our world, it is not until it hits home that we take notice.

The hipster community has typically been one of peace and love. Many hipsters write poetry about acceptance and man bun care, they read them during their favorite coffee shop open microphone nights. That is why the sudden outbreak of violence within the hipster community is so hard to comprehend.

To date there have been 157 violent acts of ‘bro on bro’ violence in just the past 2 months. Police have been baffled by the violence saying, “Hipsters are usually peaceful people, aside from their man buns they seem normal.”

In Portland hipsters have started to form groups to protect themselves. Each wearing a different color flannel shirt to signify what group they belong to. They have begun “scalping” each other by cutting off their opponents man bun. In a sense, stealing their identity from them.

I spoke to the head bro of Portland’s Yellow Flannel Brigade, to get to the bottom of this violence. Head bro Stephen Flowers had this to say.

“Bro, I don’t know how it began, bro. Just one day bro’s just started losing it,” said Stephen. “We have no choice except to band together for protection, bro. Bro, what would you do if a bro runs up on you and goes total bro-violent and I’m all like ‘Bro and he’s all like ‘Bro!’ You know what I’m saying, bro?”

To find the true answer I turned to Scientist Jamel Coburn at the University of Oregon. Mr. Coburn has been studying this rash of Bro violence and has made a breakthrough in his findings.

“To find the reason behind the Bro violence, we have to look inside the human body,” said Mr. Coburn. “A human’s hair was never meant to be pulled back tight and placed in a bun, it creates stress on the brain resulting in acting out in a violent way.”

According to research done by Mr. Coburn, the man bun hairstyle is to blame for the violence. We will be taking the scientific findings for peer review before taking them to officials to ban the man bun before it is too late.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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