Canada Considers Replacing Maple Leaf with Gravy Ladle

Ottawa, Ontario — A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the flag with something more “representative” of the Great White North: a gravy ladle. According to its website, the conservative group Canada First! Movement in 2009 seeks to “replace all Canadian symbols with more appropriate and culturally accurate ones.”

“We are fighting for what is truly Canadian,” said Canada First! Leader and volunteer Mark Lindsey of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. “The Maple Leaf symbolizes Ontario’s control over the provinces, and we want to take Canada back. Nothing says Canada more than ‘do you want gravy with that?’.”

For decades now, nationalist and separatist forces have been primarily confined to Quebec. The native French-speaking province has held several referendums to leave the Canadian federation and form its own country. However, as waves of nationalism are sweeping across the planet mainly in reaction to what is perceived as “elite globalist agendas,” even the ordinarily peaceful and notoriously polite country to the North of the United States has not been immune from it.

Not to be outdone, Quebec nationalists plan on altering their flag to display a middle finger in defiance of any change from Ottawa.

Quebec separatists have announced a new flag.
Quebec separatists have announced a new flag.

The movement has not gone unnoticed by the Canadian government, prompting Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to issue a statement.

“Canada was built around a straightforward premise,” said Mr. Trudeau in an early morning press conference. “A promise that you can work hard and succeed and build a future for yourselves and your kids, and that future for your kids would be better than the one you had. But unfortunately, changing directions at this critical time will upset our plan for the future. So I’m encouraging the forces who want to embrace what they call the ‘true Canada’ to reconsider their actions. Or better, move to Quebec.”

It is unclear how much support Canada First! The movement has been in Parliament. However, despite an uphill climb, Mr. Lindsey is undeterred.

“We will fight for our heritage and gravy rights,” a somewhat exasperated Mr. Lindsey. “We think we can find allies on Quebec, even though they won’t talk to us now. We’re not going to give up without a fight.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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