Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says No

St. Louis, MS — 32-year-old Louise Dylan, after being diagnosed with terminal bone cancer late last year, endured aggressive chemotherapy, which, to everyone’s surprise, extended her expiration date by a few unexpected months. As the shadow of her prognosis loomed larger, Louise and her family decided to roll the dice on emergency-use treatments in a desperate attempt to flick off the Grim Reaper’s advancing hand.

Following a series of treatments as successful as a screen door on a submarine, Louise and her husband Sam, 36, figured they’d throw a Hail Mary—or rather, ask for one.

“We’d hit rock bottom, so why not dig a little and reach out to the man upstairs?” Sam mused. “Turns out, He’s not much for interventions. At least not the kind we hoped for.”

Louise and Sam sought divine intervention during an all-night prayer vigil, where hopes soared higher than their caffeine levels. Hours passed with the silence echoing louder than a confession booth after Mardi Gras. Not a single divine peep.

Forty-eight hours later, as Louise wrestled with chemotherapy side effects in her hospital bed, they finally got their sign.


Clear as day, amidst a spoonful of hospital-grade corn pudding, God’s voice chimed in with the enthusiasm of a DMV clerk announcing a lunch break. “No,” He said, without elaboration, leaving Louise to ponder the celestial customer service rating.

Sam, ever the optimist, found a silver lining. “Sure, it’s a bummer God’s not in the miracle business today. But hey, we got ghosted by the Almighty Himself. That’s gotta count for something, right?”

The event, now referred to as “The Divine Rejection,” has sparked various responses from the community. The local skeptic’s club is planning a parade in honor of what they call “the most verifiable divine interaction since Moses got lost in the desert.” Meanwhile, the hospital chaplain has started screening calls in case the Big Guy upstairs decides to start a calling campaign.

In light of recent events, Louise has started a blog titled “Heavenly Rejections,” where individuals share their own stories of divine brush-offs. It’s become a support group for those who’ve been left on read by the heavens, proving that while God might not always say yes, He certainly knows how to bring people together.

And as for Louise and Sam? They’re considering a new treatment plan involving less prayer and more reliance on the equally unpredictable powers of lottery tickets and reality TV healing. “At this point,” Louise laughs, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the Ghost of Christmas Past showed up with some health tips. Bring it on.”

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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