Grass Valley Woman Uses Internet to Self-diagnose Gluten Disease

Grass Valley, CA — After spending over 12 hours “researching” ailments on the Internet, Shelly Wagner of Grass Valley, CA has determined that she has Celiac Disease. As the mother of two children, she has felt low on energy recently. So she took to the Internet to figure out what’s wrong with her. And that’s when she discovered Celiac, or as she likes to call it, “Gluten Disease.”

“I just know it has to be all this gluten I’m eating,” said Ms. Wagner in a The Fazzler phone interview. “Pasta, bread, Cheez-Its and Macaroni and Cheese. I’ve got it [Celiac Disease] for sure, according to WebMD, Wikipedia, and several other websites I visited.”

Celiac Disease a small intestine autoimmune disorder that occurs in genetically predisposed people of all ages from middle infancy onward. Symptoms include pain and discomfort in the digestive tract, chronic constipation, and diarrhea, failure to thrive in children, anemia, and fatigue. For the Google Internet Researcher, Celiac Disease is synonymous with “gluten.”

Experts aren’t sure how people get celiac disease, but the evidence seems to point to a genetic predisposition. Most doctors and health experts are reasonably convinced that most people do not suffer from this rare and often life-threatening disease. Many people instead suffer from a more common form of Internet Hypochondriasis.

Ms. Wagner, who isn’t  licensed for anything, nor does she have any degrees in any Health Science field, remains convinced that she has adequately diagnosed her condition.

“I’m not even sure what gluten is,” continued Ms. Wagner, “but I’m going to stop eating it because I have all the symptoms. I’m tired all the time, I have stomach discomfort, and I eat a lot of gluten. And besides, maybe I’ll lose some weight.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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