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Palo Alto, CA — A new study by the Palo Alto, California-based Rundex Family Foundation has revealed that college graduates haven’t had enough exposure to key business technologies and principles to prepare them for the soul-crushing, back-biting corporate workplace. The comprehensive 2-year study, co-sponsored by IBM® and General Electric®, finds that most colleges and universities do not have enough IBM and General Electric-centric curriculum, tools, and software to enable graduates to succeed in the modern corporate marketplace.

“Everyone has been complaining that the American college graduate is not ready for the workforce,” said Rundex Family Foundation lead researcher Robert Colvin in a The Fazzler telephone interview. “So IBM and GE approached Rundex to get to the bottom of it.”

There were several key findings and recommendations in the 292-page study released on Monday. Some of the recommendations included:

  • Replace traditional college textbooks, lecture notes, and curriculum with IBM and GE-produced “course-ware” in business and computer science classrooms.
  • “Position” nuclear power and conventional weapons in humanities courses with a more positive, pro-America spin, but leave discussion time for 5-10 minute debates per semester on the topic.
  • New engineering courses on weapon design and implementation
  • “Court” Professors the same way corporations bribe company executives, including elaborate dinners, “seminars” in the Bahamas and the home version of Watson Jeopardy
  • Hookers. More hookers for [male] University Presidents.

“With this study, we finally have a fighting chance to get the qualified and well-trained candidates our corporations deserve,” said IBM Director of Public Relations Bethany Millbright. “We want to control the entire education experience. ‘Soup to nuts,’ as they say. We’re also looking to extend our reach into secondary and primary education spaces soon too. It’s not only a growth market, but it’s also a sound investment for corporate America.”

According to marketing sources inside both mega-corporations, many universities have already embraced the study’s findings and are currently implementing some of the recommendations.

“I’m just so excited to be working with IBM,” said Professor Jamie Gettyon of Austin University in Texas. “Ever since we lost all those brains, we’ve been looking for different ways to fill the void and expand our curriculum. And IBM and GE were there to help us out. And I get to go to Nassau in July for a seminar on how to use this thing called “Big Data” to mine my student’s brains. Fantastic.”