Newport, RI — Partisans are taking their bets as news of Secretary of State John Kerry and Republican Presidential hopeful Senator Marco Rubio square off in an epic boat race, The Fazzler has learned. Both government heavyweights are both on record as wanting to “settle the score” on which boat is faster.
Marco Rubio has come under fire recently for purchasing a 24 foot fishing vessel with an advance he received from a $800,000 book deal. A recent New York Times article criticized the relatively young Florida Senator for “splurging” on an “extravagant luxury speedboat,” when in fact it’s just an admittedly new, boat used for fishing. The Times used this as a springboard to criticize Rubio’s ability to manage his finances, which his struggles mirrors the majority of Americans. Except for those trust-funders and tech stock-option luckies who like to tell everyone else what to do.
None the less, Secretary of State Kerry would have none of this young conservative upstarts upstaging his boat.
“It’s not a boat,” Mr. Kerry told The Fazzler. “It’s a yacht. We don’t ‘fish’ from it. We cruise in it. Us Democrats are indeed glad that media is attacking Rubio over his little fishing paddle boat. But the real boys have yachts. Like my mighty Isabel. I mean, how can you expect someone to lead this nation if they can’t afford a yacht?”
Mr. Kerry, a Massachusetts resident, is docking his family’s $7 million yacht in neighboring Rhode Island, allowing him to avoid paying roughly $500,000 in taxes to the cash-strapped Bay State. The 76-foot sloop has two cabins, a pilot house fitted with a wet bar and cold wine storage, which first reported its Rhode Island berthing. It derives its moniker from the middle name of Kerry’s mother and the name his wife, Teresa Heinz, planned to give a daughter. A Kerry official said the boat is being kept at Newport Shipyard not to evade taxes, but “for long-term maintenance, upkeep and charter purposes.”
Which, of course, is bullshit.
According to spokesmen for the high-profile politicians, the race will begin in Newport Rhode Island and will last about 4 hours. During the coverage of the first-of-its-kind race, the media will make snide and inappropriate comments about Rubio’s ethnicity. In particular, many media personalities plan on comparing his “speedboat” to Latino and Caribbean drug runners. There are no plans to criticism Mr. Kerry.
“I mean how could we not,” bragged Wolf Blitzer during his live broadcast on CNN as if no one was listening. “He’s a regular Speedy Gonzales. How could anyone not see that.”
Odds makers are giving the edge to Rubio’s boat because he’s both less a dick than Democrats on this matter, and because Kerry’s Yacht is a luxury sailing boat compared with Rubio’s powered vessel. Despite these odds, Mr. Kerry was dismissive.
“Actually, I don’t really care if he wins,” continued a snotty Secretary Kerry. “I don’t have to win to know I’ve got a real boat. A boat worth of a real leader.”
