Newton Reveals That He Is Black Quarterback

Panthers quarterback Cam Newton reveals that he is indeed black during a press conference.
Panthers quarterback Cam Newton reveals that he is indeed black during a press conference.

Santa Clara, CA — Carolina Panthers superstar, Cam Newton, delivered a startling revelation during his Thursday meet and greet with Super Bowl media, disclosing for the first time that he is, in fact, a black quarterback. The startling news came towards the tail end of what to that point had been an ordinary press conference, consisting mainly of canned responses to predictable questions. Santa Cruz Sentinel social media reporter, Phelan Jennings, however, was able to break through Newton’s steely demeanor.

“I always try to think of new angles that haven’t been tried, which isn’t easy in a Super Bowl environment, where these guys have been prodded and picked over for days on end,” related Jennings.

“Right up until I got to the mic, I was going to ask him about his dabbing in the end zone, but then an idea hit me,” Jennings continued.

“So, I just figured I’d ask him straight ‘How long have you been a black quarterback?’ I just figured people would want to know.”

Unsurprisingly, Newton’s confirmation that he had, in fact, been a black quarterback for as long as he’d been playing football sent a frisson of shock through a room full of seasoned reporters.

“At that point, it was just sort of open season,” Jennings continued, somewhat apologetically. “They were all over him.”

The questions that followed were numerous and occasionally revealing. When did Newton first suspect he might be a black quarterback? Had he tried to fight it at all? Did he think he’d continue to be a black quarterback in the future or was the condition reversible? And, most importantly, did he think that this unexpected news of his black quarterbackhood might adversely affect the Panthers’ chances in Sunday’s Super Bowl 50?

Panthers media personnel whisked Newton away from the podium before he was able to comment further. Developments on this breaking story are expected to inflate the already impressive media hype surrounding what will now be the first Super Bowl to feature two black quarterbacks Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

Horst Schrempf
Horst Schrempf
Horst Schrempf is Gish Gallop's occasional columnist and reluctant correspondent. He typically re-covers the beats already covered by previous reporters, adding more adjectives and sometimes adverbs to their copy. It actually works quite well. We think Mr. Schrempf lives in Grass Valley, CA, however we have not been able to determine his exact location. We suspect he might be hiding in Thailand. Last we heard, Mr. Schrempf was single, having lost his 2nd wife after the foundation of their self-built, Nevada City home gave way and crushed her in the crawl space.

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