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Derry, NH — The Georgia Guidestones, a mysterious granite structure erected in the early 1980s containing a set of 10 guidelines in eight modern languages, went missing, as reported earlier this week. Elbert County, Georgia officials, suspected foul play but had no conclusive evidence about the nature of the strange monument’s disappearance. Early this morning, the Derry, New Hampshire police department began to get bizarre phone calls from concerned citizens that a collection of large stone tablets had appeared in the area’s Don Ball baseball field.

“When we arrived at the ballpark this morning, there it was,” said Derry resident Davlin Colerino. “I mean, what can you say about it? We had no idea what it meant. But I can tell you, we, like everyone else there, just wanted to play ball. A lot of the kids were upset.”

It’s unclear how or why the famous Guidestones reappeared in the hometown of Robert Frost. Still, according to local North San Juan, CA conspiracy researcher Skyy Wolford, it makes perfect sense.

“Look,” said a mood-elevated Mr. Wolford speaking out in front of the Sierra Super Stop on Highway 49, “there’s a message here. And that message is from the globalists about some big event. So they’re there in Derry this week. Where will they be next week? Answer? It doesn’t matter. It’s the fact that they’re in the news that matters. And the globalists are planning to implement their population reduction plan soon. I mean, it’s the number one commandment on the stones.”

In June 1979, a man using the self-professed pseudonym Robert C. Christian approached the Elberton Granite Finishing Company of Georgia on behalf of “a small group of loyal Americans” and commissioned the structure. Mr. “Christian” explained that the stones would function as a compass, calendar, and clock and should be capable of withstanding catastrophic events.

A message consisting of a set of ten guidelines or principles is engraved on the Georgia Guidestones in eight different languages, one language on each face of the four large upright stones. The ten messages say:

  1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
  2. Guide reproduction wisely, improving fitness and diversity.
  3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
  4. Rule passion, faith tradition and all things with tempered reason.
  5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
  6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
  7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
  8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
  9. Prize truth  beauty love seeking harmony with the infinite.
  10. Be not a cancer on the earth Leave room for nature Leave room for nature.

Since they’re taking up valuable park space, Derry authorities are trying to figure out what to do about the Guidestones. Local police investigators have contacted Elbert County government officials for guidance on what to do with them.

“These things weigh tons,” said Chief of Police Gary Kenton. “We called the fire department to see what they could do, and they couldn’t do anything. We even had some heavy equipment out here this afternoon, but these stones were too heavy to move. When I talked to the Sheriff in Elbert County, he just laughed and said, ‘well maybe they’ll just find their way back to Georgia eventually.'”

But Derry residents plan on making the best of the situation like they always do. Recent area transplant progressive guitar player Robert Fripp plans on holding a benefit concert this weekend to raise funds to help move the monument.