Cleveland Browns To Offer Euthanasia Services To Fans

The troubled Cleveland Browns football franchise is offering its fans a novel new service: assisted suicide.
The troubled Cleveland Browns football franchise is offering its fans a novel new service: assisted suicide.

Cleveland, OH — The Cleveland Browns, arguably the worst football team in the NFL, is offering a new service to fans at First Energy Stadium. The Browns will off free euthanasia to depressed fans. The service will be combined with low cost cremation services and the ashes will be scattered in Lake Erie during halftime.

Browns fans have endured years upon years of heartache having never won a Super Bowl, only having gone to the playoffs once since they returned to the league in 1999 after the original team moved to Baltimore. Fans are constantly let down every year, they have become the highest population of at risk for suicide in the state of Ohio. Fan suicides triple between September and January.

Browns spokesman Gino Sagretti spoke to The Fazzler about the team’s new euthanasia program.

“We figured that it was time to do something for our ailing fan base,” said Sagretti. “Why let them die on their own when they can die with 70,000 other miserable fans.”

Fan Rob Goosebeck applauds the new program.

“This is great, it is nice to finally have something to look forward to at the stadium,” said Rob. “My whole family is scheduled to die for the Pittsburgh game on November 2oth, hopefully it will be in the first quarter.”

To sign up to be euthanized, visit and click on the easy-to-find “Kill Me” link. Hurry as slots are filling up fast.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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