Washington D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is resigning from her position to focus on her true passion: her child-trafficking pizza business.
“I’ve always loved pizza and children, and I’ve finally realized that my true calling is combining the two,” said Pelosi. “I’ve decided to turn my hobby into a full-time business, and I’m excited to start. It’s been my lifelong dream to open an authentic pizzeria with the freshest ingredients, authentic Italian flavors, and abducted children who will be sold to middle eastern elites.”
Many were shocked by the sudden departure of Pelosi, who had been in Congress for over three decades.
“I would never have thought that Nancy would leave us for a pizza and child-trafficking company,” said one member of Congress. “But I guess we all have to follow our dreams.”
However, some insiders say that Pelosi’s departure may not have been entirely voluntary.
“There were rumors of—how do I say this gently– mismanagement and misconduct within the Democrat Party,” said a Republican source close to the matter. “Maybe she saw the writing on the wall and decided to jump ship before things got any worse.”
Regardless of her departure, Pelosi is excited to begin her new venture.
“I can’t wait to start selling pizza and children to all my customers,” she said. “It’s going to be a wild ride.”
We wish Nancy the best of luck in her new venture and hope that her pizza and alcohol business is a delicious success.
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