Nancy Pelosi Resigns Speakership to Resume Child-Trafficking Pizza Business

Washington D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is resigning from her position to focus on her true passion: her child-trafficking pizza business.

“I’ve always loved pizza and children, and I’ve finally realized that my true calling is combining the two,” said Pelosi. “I’ve decided to turn my hobby into a full-time business, and I’m excited to start. It’s been my lifelong dream to open an authentic pizzeria with the freshest ingredients, authentic Italian flavors, and abducted children who will be sold to middle eastern elites.”

Many were shocked by the sudden departure of Pelosi, who had been in Congress for over three decades.

“I would never have thought that Nancy would leave us for a pizza and child-trafficking company,” said one member of Congress. “But I guess we all have to follow our dreams.”

However, some insiders say that Pelosi’s departure may not have been entirely voluntary.

“There were rumors of—how do I say this gently– mismanagement and misconduct within the Democrat Party,” said a Republican source close to the matter. “Maybe she saw the writing on the wall and decided to jump ship before things got any worse.”

Regardless of her departure, Pelosi is excited to begin her new venture.

“I can’t wait to start selling pizza and children to all my customers,” she said. “It’s going to be a wild ride.”

We wish Nancy the best of luck in her new venture and hope that her pizza and alcohol business is a delicious success.

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

More from author

Related posts

Advertisment

Latest posts

McDonald’s Bids Farewell to Epstein Island’s Last Golden Arches Amid Controversial Legacy

The McDonald’s on Epstein Island has shuttered its windows for good, marking the end of what the company now refers to as a "misguided adventure in international franchising." The closure comes amidst a whirlwind of controversy and a belated corporate acknowledgment that some locations, no matter how potentially profitable, are better left un-McTouched.

Bombshell Uncovered: Hunter S. Thompson’s Lost ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Audition

A recently unearthed photograph has revealed the unimaginable: Hunter S. Thompson, king of gonzo journalism, once commandeered the captain’s seat of a B-52, not in the throes of a drug-fueled fantasy, but as a contender for the iconic role in Kubrick’s 'Dr. Strangelove.' The discovery challenges everything we thought we knew about the man who lived on the edge of American sanity.