National Security Agency to Issue Press Releases in Haiku

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest demonstrating Haiku to the Press.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest demonstrating Haiku to the Press.

Fort Meade, MD — In a surprise announcement, the National Security Agency or NSA will conduct and publish all Press Releases in Haiku according to Deputy NSA for Strategic Communications Ben Rhodes. The move appears to be an effort to make the oft-criticized security agency look hip, modern and less onerous with regards to personal liberty.

Mr. Rhodes released the agency’s first Haiku-ized Press Release about the new format:

From Haiku to NSA
The Releases Immediately In
To the all Media.

 Haiku is a very short form of Japanese poetry typically characterized by three qualities:

  1. The essence of haiku is “cutting” (kiru). This is often represented by the juxtaposition of two images or ideas and a kireji (“cutting word”) between them, a kind of verbal punctuation mark which signals the moment of separation and colors the manner in which the juxtaposed elements are related.
  2. Traditional haiku consist of 17 on (also known as morae), in three phrases of 5, 7 and 5 on respectively.
  3. A kigo (seasonal reference), usually drawn from a saijiki, an extensive but defined list of such words.

Here are three recent examples of NSA Press Releases in Haiku:

Virus Hostage Border Patrol Gangs
Domestic disruption Spoke
UHF Scammers

Garbage Botnet WORM
H5N1 Collapse zone
Explicit Blacknet

Taliban ICE the
FBI Anthrax Daisy
Espionage toad

Mr. Rhodes wasn’t clear on what prompted this move to Haiku, but an insider who requested he remain anonymous had this to say.

“This is how your government conducts itself,” said the insider. “They’re trying to be modern and social media-enabled. Also, they’re trying to confuse citizens with this cryptic non-sense.”

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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