Nestle to Harvest Water from California Prisoners

Sacramento, CA — The Nestle Corporation, in response to growing criticism that it is continuing water bottling operations amidst the California drought, announced late Wednesday night that it plans on supplementing its domestic water harvesting operations with the bodily fluids of the State’s growing prisoner population.

“We want to be good California citizens,” said Nestle Public Relation spokeswoman Bethany Millbright. ” And we’ve heard the criticisms in the media and decided to show that Nestle thinks outside the aquifer. So today we’re announcing a joint partnership with the California Department of Corrections to harvest and process the excess bodily fluids of the State’s prison population.”

According to Nestle  documents shared with The Fazzler, the mega food conglomerate will supply all-over bodysuits called “Stillsuits” to reclaim prisoner’s bodily fluids. The excess water will be harvested once a day and trucked to a Nestle processing plant for filtering, processing, and bottling. Inmates will be compensated with Top Ramen for each gallon of water they produce.

“With our patented Stillsuit technology,” continued Ms. Millbright, “we will become a part of the solution, and not as our critics maintain, part of the problem. This is win-win because we have an untapped, out-of-sight resource to tap, and we can cut Nestle’s water consumption by almost 2.4%.”

Given recent aggressive water resourcing projects, some question the need or even the ethical scope of “human water harvesting.”

“What we should be focusing on,” said Nevada City, CA community organizer Sairhra Ramun, “is why Nestle is allowed to do anything like this in the first place. Not to mention the stupidity of growing water-hogging almonds and other wasteful crops.”

Nestle has commented that it has contracts that require deliveries of water that were agreed upon by California municipalities. And these contracts they plan on enforcing in court. However, they do not want to be perceived as the “bad guy.”

“We’ve heard concerns like Ms. Ramun’s and this is what motivated us to harvest prisoner water,” said an unusually confident Ms. Millbright. “She is welcome to reach out to us if she has any other suggestions.”

According to sources close to the project, prisoner water harvesting should start soon.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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