New Study Finds Vegans More Annoying Than Jehovah’s Witnesses

Fresno,CA — Jehovah’s Witnesses everywhere were relieved by a study released this week that suggests they are no longer the most annoying group in America. The study, conducted by researchers at California State University, Fresno, is now in its fifth year. For the first four years of the annual study the Jehovah’s Witnesses were the perennial winners as the most annoying group in America. This year there is a new leader — vegans.

A vegan is a person who does not eat meat or any other animal by-product. Vegans are known for their sickly pale skin and a scent of body odor mixed with patchouli oil.

Vegans are not taking this study lightly and many have already responded to the lead researcher of the study, Dr. Eaton Cow, expressing their anger and questioning Dr. Cow’s methods of information gathering.

“We called 10,335 people from all around our country, hell they even voted us (CSUF researchers) the fifth most annoying!” said Dr. Cow. “We simply asked them which group in America is the most annoying”.

Women Against Meat, a.k.a. WAM, are organizing a protest to take place at the CSUF on Friday morning during the student commute.

We spoke to Carolyn Chloroquine, head of WAM, about the upcoming protest. She offered us a kale steak, which had us questioning the existence of God.

“As you know, I am vegan. We are protesting to show that we are not annoying, we are trying to save the planet. You know I don’t eat meat”, said Carolyn. “We will only be able to protest for 30 minutes due to our lack of protein and sensitivity to light, but we will be there! Did I tell you that I am a vegan?”

Jehovah’s Witness Trevor Manua expressed his excitement for his group coming in at the number two position for the first time.

“I am so excited, this means we are finally getting our message heard!” said Trevor. “They really are warming up and starting to love us!”

After the interview we pushed Trevor out of our office and slammed the door in his face.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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