Oakland Police To Trade In Their Guns For Paintball Pistols

Oakland, CA — For the past couple of years, police violence has escalated into multiple shootings of civilians every month. After all of the protests and calls to end the violence, Oakland Police Department had come up with an innovative solution. The officers will now carry paintball pistols instead of their issued 9mm sidearms.

The Fazzler spoke with Oakland Police Department Chief Adam Downing regarding paintball pistols.

“We took this step to end officer-instigated shootings with paintball guns. It is a no-brainer. Nobody dies,” said Chief Downing. “Inevitably, the criminal shot with the paintball will realize he was hit and stop resisting officer’s attempts to arrest him.”

The Police Benevolent Association (PBA), the spokes group for police officers, disagrees with the move. Retired officer Steve Grimwold spoke with The Fazzler about the PBA’s response.

“What the hell? I don’t even know how to respond to such idiocy!” screamed Grimwold. “This is like giving criminals a free pass to do whatever they want, including killing officers!”

The community of Oakland has applauded the move to non-lethal weapons and has a riot planned for Saturday this week to celebrate the decision.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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