Food
Trump Floats New Tariffs on Orange Chicken
First it was tech and steel, now it’s Orange Chicken? Trump’s latest tariff talk has diners across America worried about rising prices—again. After his 2018 tariffs led to unexpected inflation and higher food costs, what will this new push do to your wallet? Could we be headed for an Orange Chicken crisis? Read more about his latest 2024 campaign move!
National News
Kamala Harris Dances for Climate Justice—And Promises Manitoba Will Pay for It
Kamala Harris combined environmental urgency with a surprise dance routine at a Scranton rally, promising a “wall around oil fields” and entertaining supporters with the “Kangaroo Rat Shuffle” as “YMCA” played.
Alternative
Ten Things You Can Do with All the Toilet Paper You’ve Hoarded
With the East Coast port strike resolved and no shortage of toilet paper in sight, many Americans are now stuck with a surplus of panic-bought TP. But don’t worry! From building cozy TP forts to crafting DIY wedding dresses, here are ten hilarious and creative ways to make the most of your toilet paper stash.
Alternative
Trump Promises to Make ‘Mr. Twitter’ Press Secretary if Elected
In true Trump fashion, he’s shaking up the White House again, this time by replacing the press secretary with Twitter! Or as Trump calls it, “Mr. Twitter" in his quest for “government efficiency,” Trump’s next big idea involves tweets, emojis, and Musk’s downsizing magic.
Earth News
Iranian Leadership’s Sony PlayStations Reportedly Exploding
Iranian officials’ PlayStations are reportedly exploding, leaving the ruling class grappling with a new “crisis” while citizens endure far worse hardships. Whether it's Israeli sabotage or just bad wiring, the explosions highlight the absurd disparity between the elite and everyday Iranians. Spoiler: most Iranians don’t even know what a PlayStation 5 is.
Alternative
Biden-Harris Admin Accused of Using HAARP to Blow Away Florida Voters
Conspiracy theorists are alleging that the Biden-Harris administration is weaponizing HAARP to control Hurricane Helene and suppress Republican voters in Florida. Theories of mind control, 5G nanoparticles, and chemtrails swirl, but Caltech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich debunks the claims, tiredly reminding everyone that HAARP is a research facility, not a joystick for manipulating elections or the weather.
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Chemtrails
You know they are controlling the skies. Here's the proof.
Trump Tells Coachella “The Enemy Within” Is Really Just a Bucket of KFC
In a rally for the ages, Trump stuns the crowd with his wild confession: the true “enemy within” isn’t foreign powers or political foes—it’s a KFC Family Bucket, and let’s just say, the aftermath is deadly. Is this his most absurd speech yet? Click to find out how fried chicken and flatulence took center stage.
Ten Things You Can Do with All the Toilet Paper You’ve Hoarded
With the East Coast port strike resolved and no shortage of toilet paper in sight, many Americans are now stuck with a surplus of panic-bought TP. But don’t worry! From building cozy TP forts to crafting DIY wedding dresses, here are ten hilarious and creative ways to make the most of your toilet paper stash.
Biden-Harris Admin Accused of Using HAARP to Blow Away Florida Voters
Conspiracy theorists are alleging that the Biden-Harris administration is weaponizing HAARP to control Hurricane Helene and suppress Republican voters in Florida. Theories of mind control, 5G nanoparticles, and chemtrails swirl, but Caltech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich debunks the claims, tiredly reminding everyone that HAARP is a research facility, not a joystick for manipulating elections or the weather.
Alternative
Sat upright, raising a heavy fur muff that covered the whole of her lower arm towards the viewer. He then turned to look out the window.
Ten Things You Can Do with All the Toilet Paper You’ve Hoarded
With the East Coast port strike resolved and no shortage of toilet paper in sight, many Americans are now stuck with a surplus of panic-bought TP. But don’t worry! From building cozy TP forts to crafting DIY wedding dresses, here are ten hilarious and creative ways to make the most of your toilet paper stash.
Trump Promises to Make ‘Mr. Twitter’ Press Secretary if Elected
In true Trump fashion, he’s shaking up the White House again, this time by replacing the press secretary with Twitter! Or as Trump calls it, “Mr. Twitter" in his quest for “government efficiency,” Trump’s next big idea involves tweets, emojis, and Musk’s downsizing magic.
Biden-Harris Admin Accused of Using HAARP to Blow Away Florida Voters
Conspiracy theorists are alleging that the Biden-Harris administration is weaponizing HAARP to control Hurricane Helene and suppress Republican voters in Florida. Theories of mind control, 5G nanoparticles, and chemtrails swirl, but Caltech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich debunks the claims, tiredly reminding everyone that HAARP is a research facility, not a joystick for manipulating elections or the weather.
High Stakes News
And he looked over at the alarm clock, ticking on the chest of drawers. It was half past six and the hands were quietly moving forwards.
Mother-Son Relationship Strengthened by Weekly Computer Help Calls
Ms. Wilson has upped the relationship quotient by increasing the number of phone calls each week to her son for computer help.
Area Man Regrets Selling Kidney on Black Market
"If I had to do it again, I wouldn't do it," said Mr. Igo. "But I try to watch what I eat and drink. Thank god there was no Facebook back then. All the dumb stuff I did as a kid was before the Internet.
CDC Links Blurred Vision and Blindness to Excessive Masturbation
The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia have linked excessive masturbation to blindness.
Unexplained
It's here. It's strange. You want this.
Chemtrail Film Festival Coming To Nevada City, CA
The Chemtrail Action Network (CAN) announced the first-ever traveling Chemtrail Film Festival coming to Nevada City, CA this August. The film festival will be making its first stop in the secluded Sierra Nevada Foothills town for a 4 day run starting on the 14th of August and running until the 18th.
Self-Driving Car Totaled After Bigfoot Encounter Near North San Juan
When the Highway Patrol arrived on the scene, they found a mess of twisted metal and a little bit of hair.
Investigators Stumble Upon Secret Graniteville Bunker
This is where the adventure begins. The following is a edited recount of Moonash's and Mr. Wolford's unusual discovery. Residents of the usually private and esoteric Sierra Nevada foothills community didn't know about this.
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Other News
More Fazzle for your brain.
Satire
Chevron’s Ecuadorian Bumper Sticker Diplomacy
Chevron's response to the Lago Agrio oil field tragedy is to distribute ironic "Do people care? People do." bumper stickers to Ecuador and Colombia's indigenous communities. The move mocks their plight while ignoring the $9.5 billion judgment for environmental damage, revealing the absurdity of corporate manipulation and disregard for human suffering.
Local News
Local Facebook Group To Post Only Admin Updates
After much consideration, the popular Facebook Group Nevada County Peeps announced this week to eliminate all discussions and replace it with admin post updates only. The move is seen as an important step in clamping down on "Internet trolls."
Local News
Area Man Still Sucks at Sitar
On weekends he took to Golden Gate Park, to jam with other lost souls. He soaked up as much as he could from local musicians, even taking lessons from a man he remembers only as "Batty."
Food
Local Roaster to Sell Poop-Processed Celebrity Coffee
Long-time Nevada City resident, entrepreneur and coffee aficionado Sarah Benfer is opening the Nation's first "human processed" coffee roaster featuring celebrities.
Satire
A Pensacola Dad in Hot Water for Washing his Minivan in Backyard Pool
"He was just hosing it down like he usually does," said one witness. "But somehow he ended up backing it into the pool."
Chemtrails
Vaping Stops Chemtrails, Study Says
Local Sierra Super Stop parking lot orator and ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced the discovery of a completely safe and effective method for neutralizing the blanket of chemtrails over Nevada County.
Food
Local Fur Shop Solves Bear Invasion Issue/Creates Bear Boxing
After the successful planning phase of the Dollar Fur Store which will be located at the foot of Broad Street, Roseville, CA developer Jackson-Pilfer properties has solved the recent "bear/drought" crisis by creating a 19 foot round sinkhole at the intersections of Broad and Pine Streets, and filling it with delicious crepes.