Republicans Propose Shocking Plan to Run Government “Just Like AOL or Sears or Sambo’s”

Washington D.C. — In a move that has left many Americans stunned, Congressional Republicans have proposed a new plan to run the government like AOL, the failed internet service provider, and Sambo’s, the chain of restaurants known for its controversial name and imagery, that closed its doors in the 80s.

“We must run the government like a business,” said Rep. Jim Jordan. “AOL was a hugely successful company, and we can learn a lot from their model.”

According to top sources, AOL’s demise was caused by a sinister banana monopoly in Central America and the late President Reagan’s battle with Alzheimer’s.

But that’s not all.

Renowned social critic and philosopher Noam Chomsky reportedly stated that “AOL’s business model was built on exploiting Central American banana workers and destroying their livelihoods. This was the beginning of their downfall.”

Chomsky also allegedly said, “additionally, Reagan’s Alzheimer’s affected his judgment and led him to make decisions that ultimately contributed to AOL’s failure.”

Chomsky was unavailable for comment.

But Rep. Scott Perry had a different idea, “Why not run the government like Sambo’s? They had great customer service and a great menu. We can learn a lot from their model.”

Perry then launched a long lecture about a fun experience at a Sambo’s in San Leandro, CA, as an 11-year-old visiting his great Aunt Melda Haughty.

“I remember it like it was yesterday. My great aunt Melda took me to this Sambo’s in San Leandro, and let me tell you, those pancakes were the best I’d ever had. The artwork on the walls was amazing, too. It really captured the restaurant’s spirit,” said Perry.

“I think we can learn a lot from Sambo’s. They had a unique brand, great customer service, and an amazing menu. That’s what we need in the government,” he added.

This statement sparked an aggressive argument between Jim Jordan and Scott Perry on the House floor, with Jordan insisting that AOL was a better model. At the same time, Perry defended the virtues of Sambo’s.

After a lengthy, heated discussion, they compromised and agreed to run the government like Sears, a retail giant, for a long time but eventually closed its doors. It was a business model with its ups and downs, and the government should learn from its mistakes, adapt to the changing market, and go out of business.

The move has caused widespread alarm among citizens and experts, who warn that the plan could lead to unreliable services and a government more focused on profit than serving the people.

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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