Starfleet Cancels Plans for San Francisco-Based Headquarters

Not coming to San Francisco.
Not coming to San Francisco.

San Francisco, CA — Authorities speaking for the space research and exploration organization Starfleet have confirmed a long-rumored decision to postpone construction of the San Francisco-based Starfleet Academy, as well as the groundbreaking of a more permanent Starfleet Headquarters in the same vicinity, citing systemic violence as the cause.  Also in question is the launch site of the revolutionary test rocket, The Enterprise AA-01.

“While we feel that San Francisco itself is a cultural fit, the American love affair with weaponry isn’t,” said Astrophysicist and Starfleet representative Frank Archer. “Starfleet would reconsider its decision if adequate steps were taken to curb the rampant zeal for firearms,” he continued. When asked what steps Starfleet would consider “adequate,” Archer responded, “At this point anything would help. Maybe make it illegal to name them after your ex-girlfriend and take them out to dinner.”

Jim Shoemaker, a Grass Valley, CA plumber, criticized what he saw as hypocrisy.

“These scientists spend all day making death beams and then tell me I can’t carry my shotgun Linda into Chipotle? Well I’m an American, and these colors don’t run!”

“Starfleet is about exploring the unknown, learning the mysteries of the universe, and hopefully meeting and coexisting with new and fascinating races,” said Archer. “While we aren’t going to explore the final frontier unarmed, we’re confident we can solve most problems with diplomacy, creativity, and empathy.”

The National Rifle Association and the Oath Keepers militia released a joint statement calling Starfleet, “a bunch of libtard pussies.”

Starfleet is reportedly considering The Netherlands, England, or, according to sources close to Starfleet Command, really anywhere in the post-industrialized world but America.

Jon Reremy, PhD
Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.

More from author


Related posts


Latest posts

Metallica’s James Hetfield Celebrates a PhD in Astrophysics

Metallica heavy metal guitarist and lead singer James Hetfield announced on his personal Facebook page that he had just finished defending his PhD dissertation at California Institute of Technology in Pasadena (CalTech), CA

Ed Force One Cited for Unauthorized Chemtrail Emissions

British heavy metal legends Iron Maiden are being investigated for illegal chemtrail spraying with the use of their customized touring aircraft, the ex-Air France 747-400 jumbo jet known as Ed Force One.