Damnation Army Seeks Important Satanist Thrift Shopping Demographic

Citrus Heights, CA — Seeking to cash in on the thrift shopping craze, the Citrus Heights-based Church of Satan said it secured funding to expand its Damnation Army brand of thrift stores to over 50 locations in the western United States.

“It has been said, ‘the truth will make men free.’ But, the truth alone has never made anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation,” said Church of Satan spokesperson Bethany Millbright about the expansion. “And that doubt is that secret ingredient we bring to every Damnation Army shopping experience. Do you need that mandoline slicer or that knock-off handbag? We can help with those decisions.”

According to a prospectus provided by the Church, their Citrus Heights flagship store has grown by over 400% since its founding in the summer of 2019. Ms. Millbright offered a couple of reasons for the explosive growth.

“The pandemic has been good for us. Really good. People are looking for a good deal but don’t want more junk building up in their homes. Our ‘Damnssociates’ are trained to talk people out of buying things they don’t need. This builds trust in our brand and a deeper connection to wisdom and reason.”

The Church says it hopes to expand into the critical “Satanist thrift shopper demographic” within the next four years and plans to open a series of rock-bottom priced clearance stores called ‘Damnation Bins.’ These ‘bins’ will compete directly with Goodwill Industries’ version of the stores but with less tetanus.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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