Trimmigrant’s Skinny Jeans Leads to Hospitalization

Dobby Lightgiver's skinny jeans nearly did him in.
Dobby Lightgiver’s skinny jeans nearly did him in.

Nevada City, CA — It is that time of year when hundreds of migrant workers descend on Nevada County for the marijuana harvest, they are known to locals as “trimmigrants”.  Many bring their many talents that they showcase on sidewalks and street corners. Others simply come with whatever they can fit into a backpack, but all are welcomed by the community.

The local restaurants and stores do brisk business this time of year, especially clothing stores where the top-selling item purchased by men is skinny jeans. As many as seventy-five are sold while the migrant workers are in town.

Clothing store owner Regina Slade said, “I stock up on skinny jeans and patchouli oil every September. They are my big sellers!”

But local health officials are becoming concerned after 15 migrant workers were brought in for severe rash burns on their thighs. After a brief investigation, it has been discovered that the skinny jeans being worn by workers were rubbing their flesh and causing the severe burns.

Dobby Lightgiver, a migrant worker, spoke to us from his hospital bed.

“Hey, can I bum a smoke? So yeah, I was cutting leaves all day and it just got to where I couldn’t walk anymore, can I get a light?” said Dobby. “So, I tried Reiki on it, but it didn’t help, my inner peace was too out of alignment. So I had to come here for help. They cut off my best pair of skinny’s bro, but I’m cool. Hey, bro, I can juggle wanna see?”

Talia Richmond, a nurse taking care of the migrant workers, spoke to The Fazzler about the injuries.

“These definitely came from wearing skinny jeans, many of the guys also showed signs of decreased blood flow due to them being so tight,” said Talia. “So far the patients have been cooperative, except when it comes to showers. They simply refuse to bathe, something about soap would take away their connection with Gaia.”

The workers will be kept in the hospital for up to 7 days, it is unclear if they will return to work.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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