United States Government Builds Largest Sexual Aid

The United States government has built the largest and first nuclear powered sexual aid to combat terrorism.
The United States government has built the largest and first nuclear powered sexual aid to combat terrorism.

Groton, CT — In a joint partnership between Huntington Ingalls, General Dynamics and the popular adult products store Adam & Eve, the United State Government has built the world’s largest sex toy. The 114 meter (377 feet) device is not only the world’s biggest, but it also the world’s first nuclear-powered dildo boasting S9G reactor capable of supplying the 27 Megawatts needed to power the device.

“We are extremely proud of this device,” said Navy Secretary Ray Mabus reading from a prepared statement. “Nothing says American power and influence more than a nuclear-powered, 7800 ton sexual aid. America is back and bigger than ever.”

It’s unclear what the purpose of this massive sexual aid is, or how the government plans on deploying it. however according to a Department of Defense insider, it’s going to used in the fight against ISIS.

“Well, any sexual device this large is bound to trigger our more sexually oppressed adversaries,” said a DoD insider who requested to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’m on the good guy’s side and it terrifies the hell out of me.”

One remaining question on many minds is why was Adam & Eve involved. Secretary Mabus addresses these concerns by saying their involvement will help offset the 2.7 billion dollar cost.

“We couldn’t be more proud of Adam & Eve’s partnership,” continued Secretary Mabus. “Not did they provide valuable oversight and consultation, they will help pay for this enormous project by having an exclusive reselling license of which the Department of Defense gets 14% of the sales. Win-Win.”

The massive dildo is set for launch soon, according to insiders. It’s deployment remains a secret.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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