Yellowstone Bears “Cutting Back” on Obese Visitors

Yellowstone bear Thomas is worried about his cholesterol.
Yellowstone bear Thomas is worried about his cholesterol.

Yellowstone National Park — Our country is in the middle of an obesity epidemic. Currently over 35% of Americans are classified as obese. Grizzly bears occupy a large portion of Yellowstone National Park. They stay away from humans for the most part, however when humans and bears do meet, it rarely ends well for the human.

Given that there are a record number of visitors entering the Park each year, and that funding for operations is at all-time low, the park’s chief omnivore has had its “pickins” of what to eat. However all that is changing. The park bears have started a new trend: they are no longer eating or attacking humans who are obese.

The Fazzler spoke to Thomas, a local Yellowstone bear, using our patented animal interpreter.

“Well to be honest, we are afraid of high cholesterol and saturated fat,” said Thomas. “It is bad enough that most humans eat GMO’S now. My friend Henry had a heart attack after eating a family of four obese people. It is getting out of hand.”

The local Rangers were busy chasing foreign tourists out of the geyser areas to comment.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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