Area Delivery Man Unphased by Billionaire’s Deaths

San Rafael, CA — Delivery man Jeff Hanks spends his days schlepping large boxes of ’boutique’ oddly-shaped organic vegetables for wealthy Marin County residents and says he’s unphased by the recent 6000lb psi squishing of five billionaires in an ill-designed submersible near the Titanic wreckage.

“I don’t feel nothing,” said Hanks on his lunch break. “My biggest concern is if my sandwich from yesterday is still edible. I forgot about it. I bet it’s OK. Either way, I might get a day off.”

Hanks has delivered irregular fruits, vegetables, dog food, and sexual aids for the past 2 years for the start-up Oddball Edibles. He likes to listen to the news while carrying large and awkward boxes up to some of the nation’s wealthiest homes, but he hasn’t given the submersible deaths a second thought.

“Yeah, I heard about it, but I’m like, ‘what the hell does it have to do with me?’ I mean, I saw a horrible wreck the other day on [Highway] 101, and most people just kept driving. I don’t know any of these billionaires, and I’m willing to bet they had no interest in me.”

The submersible, known among sea-faring circles as ‘The Billionaire’s Bubble,’ that decided to play hide-and-seek with the world in the Atlantic’s eerie depths, finally made world headlines. Meant for an exclusive underwater rendezvous with the Titanic’s ghostly ruins, the composite material metal marvel instead led its billionaire passengers on a surprise tour to meet their watery maker. The US Coast Guard confirmed that the five opulent occupants onboard succumbed to a less-than-comfortable 6000lb per square inch ‘squeeze,’ thanks to their uber-expensive yet ill-designed deep-sea chariot.

This seafaring snafu was the ‘Titanic’ of their jaunts: a deep dive into oblivion, more like an unplanned RSVP to Davy Jones’s cocktail party on the ocean floor.

As for Hanks, he will keep delivering vegetables and sexual aids to some of the nation’s wealthiest families.

“The worst is when they have these locked gates with signs that read ‘No Deliveries.’ What the fuck am I supposed to do. And let me tell you, and it’s a lot of these Marin County homes. They have these steep driveways. But it gets me out in the fresh air. And I need the exercise.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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