Area Lottery Winner Plans to Travel and Masturbate Frequently

Grass Valley, CA — Recent multi-million dollar California Lottery winner Derrick Lopez of Grass Valley, CA, told his friends on Facebook that he wants to fulfill his dreams of traveling the world following his colossal windfall. He also told them that he plans on masturbating as much as possible since he no longer has to work.

“Hello, friends,” said Mr. Lopez on his Facebook wall. “You know how I’ve always wanted to see the world? Well, now I can. I quit my job today and have already planned a trip to Thailand. I can’t wait. And guess what? I’m going to be jerking off all day long! Why? Because I can. lol!”

Mr. Lopez recently won the Lottery’s Mega Millions jackpot worth over 17 million dollars. Mr. Lopez, who up until recently was an office manager at an area office supply distributor, says that the money won’t change him or his priorities.

“Look, I’m still the same, Derrick, except there will be more of me,” said Mr. Lopez in a recent telephone interview. “I’m going all over the world now. And since I’m not in the office anymore, I can do my second favorite thing, jerking off. I’m going to do it everywhere I can. I know I can do it internationally, which is a real bonus.”

Although his former coworkers at Office Solutions are happy for Mr. Lopez’s fortune, some expressed misgivings about him ‘over sharing’ on social media.

“Everyone here at the office is happy for Derrick,” said Office Solutions shipping manager Darrel Frank. “I mean, it makes me wonder what he was doing around here. Just in case, I’m wiping everything down with Clorox Wipes.”

Mr. Lopez offered additional details on his planned overseas activities, none of which can be reproduced here.

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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