Conservatives, Liberals, and Pink Floyd Fans Unite to Ban Ringo Starr’s “You’re Sixteen”

Los Angeles, CA — In the “you can’t make this up” category, Conservatives, Liberals, and Pink Floyd fans have decided to bury the hatchet and come together to call for the banning of Ringo Starr’s 1973 hit, “You’re Sixteen.” Each faction has its own peculiar beef with the song, but they’ve found common ground in their shared revulsion for the Beatles’ drummer’s nostalgic tune.

The conservative crowd contends that the song advocates inappropriate relationships, citing lyrics that describe a sixteen-year-old girl as a “teenage dream” and a “lovely bundle of humanity.”

We chatted with conservative activist Margaret Hitchens, who opined, “This song is an abomination! It’s clearly promoting immoral behavior, and we need to shield our children from such vile influences. What’s wrong with good ol’ fashioned family values?”

On the flip side, Liberals have hitched the song to the #MeToo movement, arguing that it perpetuates detrimental power dynamics between older men and younger women. Social justice warrior Jessica Thompson chimed in.

“This song is just another cog in the patriarchal machine, trying to romanticize and normalize the exploitation of young women. It’s high time we held Ringo Starr accountable for his problematic past.”

Meanwhile, Pink Floyd fans have picked up the torch for entirely different reasons. They simply can’t stomach anything related to the Beatles and are using this opportunity to take a shot at their long-time musical adversaries. Floydian aficionado, Dave Gilmour Jr. (no relation), explained his stance.

“Look, man, we just don’t want any more Beatles pollution in our lives. They’ve overshadowed Pink Floyd for far too long. Besides, ‘You’re Sixteen’ is just another example of the Beatles’ inferior songwriting.”

This motley alliance has already tasted victory, with several nationwide radio stations removing “You’re Sixteen” from their playlists. In response to the uproar, Ringo Starr’s publicist issued a statement emphasizing that the song was “a lighthearted reflection on young love, written and recorded in a different era.”

But the coalition remains dogged in their quest to banish the song to the annals of history. Margaret Hitchens, Jessica Thompson, and Dave Gilmour Jr. have even forged a new organization, dubbed the “Tripartite Alliance for Musical Morality and Anti-Beatles Sentiment (TAMMAS),” committed to furthering their peculiar cause.

While their reasons for disliking “You’re Sixteen” may be wildly divergent, it’s clear that this oddball alliance won’t be backing down anytime soon. So, will this unlikely coalition succeed in silencing Ringo Starr’s 1973 hit for good? Only time will tell. In the meantime, you might want to dust off your old vinyl and give it a spin, just in case it’s the last time you’ll hear it in public.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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