Local Creamery Discontinuing Popular Butter-by-Mail Service

Nevada City, CA — Despite a surprising demand, local Better Butter Creamery has decided to discontinue sending their award-winning butter via the US Mail due to numerous complaints from delivery personnel. According to Melonie Gregory, the owner and dairy master at Better Butter, they had shipped over 40,000lbs of their product all over the United States in the past few months. Still, they stopped shipments this week after receiving a cease and desist from the United States Post Office and UPS.

“When we started this service last November, we had no idea it would be this popular. So it’s a sad day for us here at the Better Butter Creamery,” said a tired and frustrated Ms. Gregory. “We had fans all over the country. We got letters from as far away as Poland after people started smuggling it into the country. But we started receiving complaints in May from the Post Office that our product was leaking out of the packages. So, of course, we just ignored the warnings until the cease and desist letters came today.”

According to a spokesperson for the Post Office, with the onset of Summer, the butter products began to melt in the heat, creating numerous problems both in the distribution centers and for carriers who had to deliver the butter.

“It was getting ridiculous,” said ten-year St. Louis, Missouri letter carrier Stephanie Norwood. “I was delivering about 10 of these a day, and by the time May came around, they were all melting into the shipping bags and making a mess of my delivery vehicle. And it didn’t smell so great either. The hot sun. Gooey butter. Oh, and let me tell you. Other customers were furious that their mail was stained. What a literal mess.”

Ms. Gregory says that Better Butter is looking into other shipping options but says, for now, customers will have to come into their shop to purchase butter.

“We’re considering several different options at this point,” continued Ms. Gregory. “One is something called an ‘open-source creamery’ where we put instructions out on YouTube for people to make their own Better Butter Creamery butter. This would avoid all the trouble with the post office. Of course, they’ll need cows and equipment and such, but those are the details we’re working out.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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